ยฑ when was using, my mind was not occupied ยฑ
Posted: Sun, Jan 4, 2015 11:41:43 AM
with anything decent or healthy, and i knew it.
so when i first read this hours ago, something other than what i am going to write about, came to me. i was going to write about the rainbows and the unicorns that i have found in the comfort of my peers in the rooms. it is not that i am any less grateful for that security, or that it has changed, rather, that as i removed the sublimated precipitation from my driveway, sidewalks and patio, i had to to ponder the part about downward spiral and what has been given to me, once that spiral ceased to rule my life. i have been writing about how grateful i am for all the gifts i have been given, in the course of my recovery and that topic, while a nice break from my obsession about STEP ELEVEN, is something i do not need to rehash this morning.
as i shoveled and swept the snow from the concrete surfaces i am responsible for, i was struck about whether or not i would be doing such an arduous task, had i been using. where it went from there, was a quick trip down memory lane and a bit of shame about who i once was. yes the part of me i call addiction still has the ability to remind me of what a sh!t i was, back in the day. the silver lining in that reminder, is a wake-up call, of what i could once again be. that train of thought, as shameful and painful as it was, took away the romance i have been noodling around in my head over the course of the last year. for me, using worked. for me, i liked to get high. for me, i did not care what the cost was, financially, morally, spiritually or physically. it was all about that next dose and if i had waited long enough to get the best effect. the honest truth was, i was ruled by addiction. the next does was my higher power and i worshiped at that altar more than once a day. as a result, i was more than a bit broken, when i walked into the rooms. the part of not being able to look others in the eye, is not part of my story. i may not have been proud of what i had become, but any remorse, guilt or shame i felt could be and was relieved in the next instant. as SPEEDY ALKA-SELTZER once said “relief is just a swallow away.”
so walking into the rooms, regardless of my circumstances was never part of my plan. staying in the rooms was not what i foresaw and being part of a raucous and dynamic fellowship of people just like me, was not what i would have considered my destiny. people like me, just do not get clean, and if we do, we use when we think enough time has passed since that last dose. so having beat the odds, for another day, i am grateful that my biggest obsession today is how to pray, as ironic as that may sound coming from the staunch agnostic, who was sentenced to a life in recovery.
moving forward, i have some errands to run, a bit of work to do to prepare for a major change in a website, perhaps a cigar to smoke, some football to watch and finally, as the day grows towards a close, a meeting to show up for. the momentary pang of shame i felt i felt, well that has long passed, as although that man still exists within me, he is not who i choose to be today. i may not have been born again, but i certainly have had the downward spiral of addiction cut short. today i decide what i can and will do with my waking hours and the decision i made upon opening my eyes at 7:15 AM this morning, was to remain a member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club, in this slice of twenty-four hours. so it is off to my next task, as my laundry finishes it final spin and i GET to fluff and fold my clothes, which is not all that different from my using days, with the single exception being that i did not NEED to get high to wash my clothes.
so when i first read this hours ago, something other than what i am going to write about, came to me. i was going to write about the rainbows and the unicorns that i have found in the comfort of my peers in the rooms. it is not that i am any less grateful for that security, or that it has changed, rather, that as i removed the sublimated precipitation from my driveway, sidewalks and patio, i had to to ponder the part about downward spiral and what has been given to me, once that spiral ceased to rule my life. i have been writing about how grateful i am for all the gifts i have been given, in the course of my recovery and that topic, while a nice break from my obsession about STEP ELEVEN, is something i do not need to rehash this morning.
as i shoveled and swept the snow from the concrete surfaces i am responsible for, i was struck about whether or not i would be doing such an arduous task, had i been using. where it went from there, was a quick trip down memory lane and a bit of shame about who i once was. yes the part of me i call addiction still has the ability to remind me of what a sh!t i was, back in the day. the silver lining in that reminder, is a wake-up call, of what i could once again be. that train of thought, as shameful and painful as it was, took away the romance i have been noodling around in my head over the course of the last year. for me, using worked. for me, i liked to get high. for me, i did not care what the cost was, financially, morally, spiritually or physically. it was all about that next dose and if i had waited long enough to get the best effect. the honest truth was, i was ruled by addiction. the next does was my higher power and i worshiped at that altar more than once a day. as a result, i was more than a bit broken, when i walked into the rooms. the part of not being able to look others in the eye, is not part of my story. i may not have been proud of what i had become, but any remorse, guilt or shame i felt could be and was relieved in the next instant. as SPEEDY ALKA-SELTZER once said “relief is just a swallow away.”
so walking into the rooms, regardless of my circumstances was never part of my plan. staying in the rooms was not what i foresaw and being part of a raucous and dynamic fellowship of people just like me, was not what i would have considered my destiny. people like me, just do not get clean, and if we do, we use when we think enough time has passed since that last dose. so having beat the odds, for another day, i am grateful that my biggest obsession today is how to pray, as ironic as that may sound coming from the staunch agnostic, who was sentenced to a life in recovery.
moving forward, i have some errands to run, a bit of work to do to prepare for a major change in a website, perhaps a cigar to smoke, some football to watch and finally, as the day grows towards a close, a meeting to show up for. the momentary pang of shame i felt i felt, well that has long passed, as although that man still exists within me, he is not who i choose to be today. i may not have been born again, but i certainly have had the downward spiral of addiction cut short. today i decide what i can and will do with my waking hours and the decision i made upon opening my eyes at 7:15 AM this morning, was to remain a member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club, in this slice of twenty-four hours. so it is off to my next task, as my laundry finishes it final spin and i GET to fluff and fold my clothes, which is not all that different from my using days, with the single exception being that i did not NEED to get high to wash my clothes.
∞ DT ∞