Blog entry for:

begin taking a positive part in the life around me. unfortunately the converse of the second part of that statement is also true, i was and continue to be shown how to take a negative part in the world around me. or as in the case of one member i know, the effect of continual withdrawal from life itself. it is disturbing to see the destruction of a peer's recovery, bit by bit, as they pull away from active participation in life and yet, just am i am powerless over my own addiction and doubly so, over that of another addict.
so where was i going before i went down that path. yes the positive and even negative examples of how to live life as a recovering person are all around me. it is easier, being the person i am, to see more of what i do not want in the behaviors of others than what i may want for myself. the life of recovery is not some sort of theory that i read about in a book, nor is it some sort of hypothesis i present daily in private writings. for me, it is being out and about, and interacting with the world, including attending meetings and socializing with those who continue to provide me the information i NEED to thrive. lately, i have been wondering what i did right enough, not to relapse into a life of active addiction, even for a brief period of time. part of it has to do with the pride and ego i carry within. the very thought of having to humble myself and take a white key tag, ever again, gives me the willies. i do not believe that was sufficient to keep me clean, as if i used, i could do what many of my peers have done, walk away and not come back. it is not that i was struck clean, springing into a program that i felt was exactly where i needed to be, either. no my transition from active addiction, into active recovery was a slow, and often very arduous trek. my lack of FAITH and my previous contempt for anything that smacked of religion was a hindered to my this journey and those attitudes and beliefs had to be deconstructed bit by bit, until i could open my mind to the idea that this spiritual path was my choice and not the result of some predetermined plan to fVck up my life. i still feel the bile rise, inside when someone presents me a gift of some religious token, but i have learned that discretion and dealing with it later are a far better way to behave when the feelings of disrespect start to manifest inside of me. there was a time, when i would have told you how insulting and demeaning i considered such a gift and believed i was assertively standing up for myself. i know better today, because i watched as others dealt with what may be considered disrespect, when none was intended.
it was not my spiritual beliefs that were enough to keep me from the use of a substance, like so many of my peers. the fear of the consequences of just one more, did the trick for a while, but as that threat waned, my desire to stay clean and recover actually grew, so once again an early stick but not one that provides any extra incentive today. how is it i can stay clean, day after day, when so many of those i walked into the rooms with, many days ago, as well as though who are marching through those revolving doors today, cannot? well today, it does come down to a FAITH built on seeing an accumulating body of evidence that this recovery stuff does pay off. financially, physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually, i am far beyond anything i thought was ever possible. i learned how to do this, by watching those who i share the recovery experience with and emulate the behaviors, positive or negative, that seem to serve them well. when something works, i keep doing it and when it does not, well depending on what sort of value judgement i have previously attached to that action, i give it up or keep banging my head against the wall, until i finally see the futility in doing so. i can be one stubborn person, when push comes to shove.
i do however, have a life. that life includes a job that expects me to show up on a daily basis, so with that in mind, i will sign off, reminding you all, that i am watching and if it looks like it works for you, chances are i will give it a try myself.

∞ DT ∞