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but even over my defects of character. i have seen the results first hand of what happens when i apply pressure to try and remove these myself. although the reading is certainly about defects of character and humbly asking to have my shortcomings removed, what is on my mind this morning is sort of a post service debriefing. after what seems forever as a member of the regional service body, a few months ago, i came to the conclusion it was time fro me to leave that level of service. yesterday i did, and while i felt relieved in the first instant afterward, i was sad and a bit empty by the time i drove home. this service opportunity has been a part of my life for nearly a decade without any interruption. i guess, that after so long as a member of that body, i had taken it on as part of my identity. this morning i woke up after my deepest and most restful sleep in weeks, feeling so much lighter, i know that i am grateful for the opportunity to serve, however, i now know the cost i paid was the burden of responsibility i thought i needed to carry. the operative verb here is ‘to think’. no one ever told me i had to, i just took it on and the battles i have waged across my service experience have not been all that successful. what i am hearing, and possibly could have heard earlier, is that the fellowship wants to have more controlling members taking care of everything for them and cannot or will not step up to take care of themselves. they are happy living in a nanny state and regardless of how hard i fought that tendency, the inertia was to great for me to overcome. the only glimmer of hope for me, is that there was nearly one third of the body in attendance yesterday who are ready to say no to being carried and start to walk for themselves. in a moment of clarity yesterday, i stood aside from casting a vote one way or another, as i knew that i was done with this level of service and the will of EXACTLY two thirds of the body was that the nanny needed to stay. there will come a day, when i will be called back to serve at this level, but that day is not today, and serving under the thumb of a nanny, no matter how well intentioned, is not part of my plan for right now. so i guess that would be my parting shot, and although i doubt it will ever have any effect on the world at large, or even the microcosm that it is a reaction to, for me, it was something i needed to say so i can move on.
one might say that i have just acted-out, and if i wanted to beat myself up over something, yes, self-abuse is on the list, this would be the perfect opportunity to flail myself and wail for forgiveness for having an opinion. today, i see that a bit of venting is not a bad thing, and even my venting yesterday in the long run may not be a bad thing. it may damage my relationship with my sponsor, but that is his stuff. if that is the case, perhaps i do not have the best fVcking sponsor in the world and the time to move on has come upon me. that one i will let go, for me, i see his point, i accept his opinion and i carry no garbage forward from the events of yesterday. what i said was what i felt. the passion i said it with was an genuine expression who i was in that moment. the words i chose? well they most certainly could have been betters considered, has i waited until my heat had faded a bit more, the end result may have been different, but as i have come to see, there are no accidents in this world. am i suffering remorse for losing this battle, perhaps, and my strong reaction is certainly an indication that more is going on. i could have chose the solution to win this battle, GOD did provide me that opportunity as my vote would have tipped the scale in other direction, however for me, the ends do not justify the means, i see that the will of 66% of the body that i no longer am a part of has been expressed and now that i am getting towards the end of this train of thought, i am grateful that i was true to my values and did not take the opportunity to win at any cost. so off to the foggy streets before a bit of physical release and then into a busy day of work, after all, i have a week of fun in the tropical sun coming up in six days, and as those who share the opportunity to work for themselves know, the only way i can take vacation is to work enough to be able to afford a week off. so for now, i am grateful i have the opportunity to run, i could have allowed myself to become physically less through my benign neglect of my physical health, but today, i choose life and the future of being more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞