Blog entry for:

into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, asking that POWER to do for me what i cannot do for myself.
well, as i sit on the bus and get headed towards Boulder, i have a trillion things on my mind and not a whole lot of bandwidth to concentrate on any one of them. it is a good thing that i am not driving and i GET to spend some down time, just working on this, this morning.
but first a brief shout-out:

Jim E
2 years clean!
Congrats my friend
not to minimize, but you are certainly a miracle

okay, dark and cynical or bright and sunshiny? well i have no clue, i will just let go and see where this goes. i am always amazed when i hear newer members talking about working on their character defects, when they have yet to work STEP ONE, and it certainly takes me back to a similar place. yes, i once believed that i had the power to change my personality. the evidence that i had, was that i could be and as whatever i needed to be, given a certain situation. bright or ignorant. insightful or dull. harsh or even feign kindness. with that sort of history, i was certain i could fix myself, when i came to recovery and undertook several self-improvement projects, just to do so. as i discovered, when the work actually got rolling, all i did in the past was act in those various manners, to get what i needed to get. none of that was who i was, and none of that helped me to find the path or even the vision of the person i would one day become. man was i bummed when i finally understood that it was only through the process of STEPS 6 and 7, that any lasting changes would be manifest in my life. even during that process, at least the first few step cycles, i thought i could influence the process, by doing my best to battle those behaviors. what a battle it was. it made D-Day look like a picnic in the park, and when i finally came to see where my personal power was, well the relief i felt was overwhelming. that was a battle i could never win. today as i sit on STEP 8, i am seeing how the SEVENTH STEP is working me over. i want, i want, i want and yet i am not quite ready to cease fighting, once again. selfishly clinging to stuff i have no bidness clinging to, is making me sicker. even though the phone call from a high school friend was certainly a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, reminding me that i have my list in my head and it is time to put it down on paper and move on.
what else am i fighting this morning? well the FEAR that my job will be gone when i get back from vacation. is that rational? no, probably not. it is just a manifestation of this battle i am currently waging with the process of personality change that is ongoing lately. it is a reaction to the reintegration of me, and the FEAR of what that new man will look like. most of all, it is a symptom of my lack of confidence in who i am and what my talents are, which is once again the part of me i call addiction, attempting to take control of the process and leave this process in the weeds.
this morning, i am grateful i could stop the cyclone in my head for long enough to write this, text my friend and be present for what i am feeling, which is grateful, scared, excited and more than a little stressed, but all of this shall pass, that is what i believe and that is what i am going with today.

∞ DT ∞