Blog entry for:

to perfect myself, may actually be a boon, rather than a bane to my continued existence. this reading, is in fact, spot on for where i happen to be right now. one of my peers, who happens to call me his sponsor, recently relapsed and had a consequence that was not only predictable but actually inevitable in his case. as i was listening to him share with me and the group last night, i realized that perhaps he had missed every thing i had ever said and that for him, this recovery gig was just another “certificate of completion” to show the legal system and get his a$$ out of the sling he put it in. i was ready last evening to dash off a quick missive to catalogue his litany of sins, when something stopped me and i decided to give it a minute to sink in. after sleeping on it and waiting for direction, i may still write that letter, but not today or at least not right now.
today, two of my peers are celebrating clean time anniversaries and neither one of them were “struck clean.”

Brian T,
THREE (3) years clean!
I am glad you found your way back through the haze.
Thank you for making my life richer.

Jim E,
EIGHT (8) years clean!
You are a miracle, my friend. I am grateful that you found the means to build your new life.

one may wonder why the reading struck me as so relevant this morning as i have yet to write anything about myself, other than exercising a bit of restraint. where it took me was back to my list of defects of character and the shortcomings that arise from those defects. low self-esteem, pops to the top and the notion that my time is worth less than that of another took center stage. sure i want my sponsee to recover and find a way to a better life than he currently has. does that mean, however, that i need to continue putting in my time and effort, if he is going to choose to put his recovery way down on his priority list? he was more than a bit distressed when i suggested that maybe, just maybe, i had something better to do than coming over to see him on the weekend. as noncommittal and vague as i was trying to be, as to whether or not i would be taking time out of my life for him, the more he pressed for a definitive answer. the answer he received was not to his liking, hence my desire to write that letter explaining the ins and outs of respect, listening and the application of spiritual principles. i am worth more than being a trash can for medical and legal issues and how things are not going as well as someone thinks they should be. setting a boundary, where one never existed in the past, is one of the most difficult tasks this addict can do, and yet it is a boundary that needs to be defined and set. i have been vague and noncommittal to date about how i see this relationship progressing in the future. that is a wrong i need to correct, unequivocally. for right now, it is time to wrap this up and head on down to work. i am sure that what i need to say will come to me, when it is time to put into words, all that i am feeling right now.

∞ DT ∞