Blog entry for:

well for the first time in a couple of days, i actually have the inclination and the time to get rolling on this and take my time getting out into the so-called real world.

Jim E
4 years clean.
Awesome, my friend, glad you finally kept comin' back!

i almost sent my friend a text, but at 6:30 in the AM on a Saturday, maybe not the most spiritual thing to do. it is almost like i channeled this reading yesterday, as my character defects and shortcomings played a larger role in my writing yesterday, than did my dedication, or lack thereof, of going to meetings.however moving into the spirit if not the letter of this reading, i am glad that this topic has been on my mind lately.
i have often spoken of: “looking better than i am feeling” and lately my fears of being “left behind or becoming irrelevant.” those two FEARS come from a place where i have yet to fully accept, that i am okay, just as i am, right here and right now. yes, unlike one of my peers, my character defects have not been morphed into assets, BUT, i am not just a collection of defects, walking around in a state of near breakdown. the SEVENTH STEP and beyond, just may be what others refer to when they speak of “advanced” recovery, after all, the personality change that i so desperately needed when i came into the rooms, is actually underway, and the process of clearing my past, is just about to enter its final phase. so when i find myself shutting down in meeting, because as is mostly the case, my judgement machine has kicked into full gear, it is more than likely FEAR of something and as i discovered way back when, my greatest FEAR is being just like my peers, sick, dominated by addiction and stuck on an eternal carousel of having the desire to use. the truth, at least for me, i am like them, and could join them on that hellish ride, BUT i have found a way off of that and threw my ticket into the sh!tter of what i have dropped behind on my journey through recovery. STEPS SIX and SEVEN allow me to look for how i am like my peers, and disregard where i might be different. one thing for sure, i have a desire not only to stay clean today, BUT to be a better man than i was yesterday. yes as square as it may sound, being a productive member of society is no longer the boogey man threat for me, as i once thought it was. living as if i was a member of the other 85%, is not a bad thing today. paying my bills, staying within the confines of the law and yes, even taking my lead foot off of the gas pedal, may all be good things today.
so anyhow, yes, i have more than a few character defects. yes those defects manifest in a plethora of amusingly destructive shortcomings. and yes, the only way for me to get better is to humbly surrender those shortcomings into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. so time to hit the dusty and see how long i can go, before stepping into a shortcoming or two.

∞ DT ∞