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i realize my fears of change are groundless, each of the steps offer a gentle program of change. there are times, i might argue that point, as it has been my experience that the change that is facilitated through step work seems quite abrupt and far from gentle. this morning, i am however, willing to concede that point and move on.
yes, i FEAR change. when i look at one of the men i sponsor, i see the same FEAR in him. that is my mirror on the state of my spiritual development, although i do not take it to that extreme, i have faced that FEAR and learned some courage, at least when it comes to doing step work, he on the other hand relapses every time he approaches Step Four. his lack of FAITH in the process is evident, and when i see it, i immediately look at what i am afraid of changing. am i really comfortable being isolated by arrogance and the myriad of behaviors that defect triggers? or is it simply that i am afraid that when arrogance is replaced by humility i do not who i will become? that lack of vision into the future makes me feel powerless and out of control, which brings me back to acceptance, so i can start over again. accepting that my life in active addiction was not the bed of roses that i once thought it was, acceptance that it is the CHANGE process of the STEPS, that has given me what i NEED today, to do what is in front of me. acceptance that there are only really two general directions i can go, and standing still is not really standing still, it is moving back towards a life of using. i know this to be true, as the preponderance of the evidence in the lives of others has demonstrated that time and time again. yet, i still hesitate, frozen in FEAR, like some sort of wild animal, caught in the headlights of a speeding Mack truck. that visualization serves me well, this morning, and i think i will go with it, after all, sometimes i need a gentle nudge from whatever to move forward.
so where am i really at? well, things are changing in my life. i can either use the step process to learn how to integrate the change into the total picture, or i can stand here screaming about unfair and unjust the whole gig is. so right here and right now, i will embrace the change, do what it is i need to do to get through it, and allow the process to work, by actively seeking doing the next right thing, which happens to be, getting in the shower and moving forward with my life today. until next time, remeber change is only as spooky as you allow it to be, and today i am defusing my fear by being more of the person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞