Blog entry for:

to love myself was one of the most ludicrous ideas i heard when i walked into the rooms, as i was more than willing i valued and cherished myself over everyone else in the world and had absolutely no respect worth or esteem issues with who i was. from this vantage point a quarter of a century later, i can see that being an addict was not the only bit of denial with which i had saddled myself. i may not have hated myself, once my eyes and mind started to open, but i certainly did not think too highly of who i had become, in fact once i saw what a selfish, self-centered piece of humanity i truly was, i finally “got” why i might have to learn to love myself, as i was quite disgusted with what i uncovered.
the work to sallow myself to be transformed into a person i could love, unconditionally, began with the idea that as imperfect and flawed as i was, back in the day, the only path forward was to accept myself, as i was, then and there and take action to learn to see myself in a less harsh light. i can say that even to this day, i am not good at giving myself any sort of breaks and even though i have undergone a massive metamorphosis from a using, thieving, conniving and manipulate addict in the throes of active addiction, i can still fins myself wanting and being less than lovable, especially to myself. the good news? those days are fewer and certainly farther between. today, i can say i find myself worthy of being loved, especially by myself. it is not just because i have left behind a shit-ton of behaviors, attitudes and feelings that i came to recovery with, but rather because loving and caring for myself is just the next right thing to do. after all, how i can love and care for others, for real, if i do not love and care for myself, in my mind, that is just going through the motions.
it is time to commit this to the bits and bytes or the worldwide web and get out and about. it is a great day to be clean and yes, today i DO love myself and see myself as being worth having friends, family, peers and acquaintances in my love who can love me back. i am worth more than being tossed into an institution or jail, because i have learned to see what is really important in my life these days, just for today.

∞ DT ∞