Blog entry for:

... causing me pain and complicating my life. the problem is that, it always appears easier to continue bearing the pain of my defects than to submit to the total upheaval. what a wonderful thought for start5ing this day, when the pain of doing is less than the pain of not doing. that seems to be the mantra of certain phases of my recovery. so anyhow, where was i? oh that is right trying to figure my way out of how to be less pain driven when it comes to my recovery. truthfully, i sincerely doubt that this particular trait will ever be totally relieved, but i do have FAITH, that as i progress, the need to stay in this particular paradigm, will be greatly reduced. oh yeah, you have FAITH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE WHO NEEDS A CHAIN OF EVIDENCE? that is true, i am one of those, so a brief look down memory lane, will provide that evidence. let me see, i am currently working a set of steps that do not have to do explicitly about using or relationships, a set of steps i started on my accord without any prompting from my sponsor, or any of those with whom i share my life. well not a bad piece of evidence. however the real kicker is that i have been taking suggestions and moving forward, albeit at a very leisurely pace, without the pain reaching such depths that i am screaming out for relief. but i am certainly having a rough time focusing on this discussion this morning. while writing this i have done 5 other tasks, so i guess is what is happening, is that there is nothing more to say, yes, i am getting better, and yes i am choosing to live a program of recovery and yes i am even willing to totally surrender to that program, and most importantly yes, i will still have times when i wait until the pain becomes unbearable before i do something.
on a final note, it was very humorous the looks i got at the meeting last night, when i said that abstinence does not equal recovery, and my recovery is only guaranteed if i surrender completely to the program. you would have thought that i just got up on the table, dropped my shorts and left a large stinky sh!t in front of everyone. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, make me wonder what else i need to be sharing that i have been holding back on? well we will see if anything comes to mind over the course of today.

∞ DT ∞