Blog entry for:

my shortcomings one moment longer, am i willing to try something different.
well it is not quite that bad anymore, but it certainly has been in the past, and worst of all it certainly could be in the future. needless to say, bearing the pain of staying the same, is a common and very familiar behavior for me, and one of those traits that seems long in leaving.
when i take a rational and logical look at it, it really makes absolutely no sense. why would i allow myself to suffer, when the solution is at hand, and no it is not sex, a new toy, a quick trip to Black Hawk or double fudge sundae! although any of those things, in and of themselves are not bad, they certainly will do nothing, save deferring my agony until a later time, not that much different than the drugs i used obsessively and compulsively, for all those years.
so digging around for the causes and conditions, the first thing that pops out, is that i am inherently lazy, i seek the easiest softest solution to anything, right off the bat, and only when that does not work out, then and only then, do i look for something else. i believe that is just part of being human, and addiction extended it a bit further, than it is practices by the other 85%. that is a very quick and simple answer, and more than likely does not actually get to the causes or conditions. being lazy, is a convenient scapegoat for more insidious and pernicious aspects of my character, such as believing i do not deserve the gifts that change brings, especially the long term removal the pain of living in my character defects. i may not believe that i DESERVE anything but the opportunity to be free from pain, but even given that, i have to believe i am worth the effort to have the pain of living in a defective manner relieved, through working the program, nay living a program of recovery, which includes, step work, among the many aspects of this journey. yes, low self-worth that prevents me from doing what i know will relieve the pain, and laziness is the trait i blame to cover that up, after all, everyone is lazy to a certain degree! which goes back to third disturbing realization, instead of blaming people, places and events for my problems, i am blaming common human traits, to avoid looking at myself. nice work when you can get away with it! the self-destructive aspect of who i am, believes that i am not worth doing the work, that leads to the opportunities to be happy, serene, and self-confident. that aspect of me, blocks me from becoming the man i always wanted to be, and chance are the person that is true to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is that self-destructive aspect of the total person i am, that prevents me form seizing the opportunities i am presented with, to be happy, confident, secure and serene. the only foil for that aspect of me, is the program of recovery, and doing my level best to live it every single day, no matter what the cost, and that is the eternal conflict that rages on inside of me on a daily basis. live free and be free or succumb to the lie that i am not worth doing whatever it takes.
anyhow, today, i can be free, do the next right thing and allow myself the joy of doing whatever it takes to live defect free, or at least defect lite! it is a good day to be clean and the time has come to get on the road, once again, so i can…

∞ DT ∞