Blog entry for:

i have been writing a whole bunch lately about the synergy between STEPS TEN and ELEVEN for me. how one bleeds over in to the other. i am starting to feel, is a process as it is supposed to be. i identify those parts of my life that need improvement or that i want to work on doing again, and the next morning, i listen for the word of the POWER that fuels my recovery, to implement those changes. yes, the “word”is a bit arrogant, but i lack a better term for it right now. i am sure that many of my peers, do this flawlessly and with any effort at all. me, i just starting to stumble my way into this new synergistic paradigm, to use a few buzz words, and it is starting to feel normal as a matter of fact. so what does learning to integrate the step process of daily maintenance into my life have to do with being “sick and tired?”
well…
what i am starting to see, is that i am only as sick as i allow myself to be. no that does not mean i have suddenly gained any power over addiction, but taking the cue from my peers, it is when i give others power through resentments and rage, i stay sick it is when i defend my belief structure by being close-minded and self-righteous that i stay sick. it is when i cannot see beyond the obvious and deal with the subtle affects of addiction, i stay sick. yes i have countless mirrors in my life of behaviors, attitudes and even beliefs that are in no way furthering my journey into becoming the person i have always wanted to be, and i get SICK and fVcking tired, of being the roadblock to being a better version of me.
the upshot of all of this? well perhaps it is time to break my silence and share at a meeting, which i have not done outside of my home group, in at least a minute. perhaps, it is time to call the sponse and finally make the time to sit down with him and talk about what it is i am feeling. perhaps it is just time to let go, forgive those i NEED to forgive, repair the damages i have done and allow this process to work in my life. this whole 10 ⇒ 11 ⇒ 10 feedback cycle is going to be a good thing for me, as i get used to it happening. perhaps i was always doing this, and have just become aware of it now, or perhaps not. what i do know, is that just for today, i will allow myself to feel, and see where it takes me.

∞ DT ∞