Blog entry for:

what is truly necessary to remove the source of pain from my life? it would be nice to say that i take direction from my peers and reach this state of mind, when the suggest that something may be **off** in how i am living day-to-day. it would certainly be nice when it feels like me against the whole f*cking world, to get a clue that maybe it is me that needs to change and not everyone and everything else in my life. yes, all of that would be so nice, but reality rarely follows that fantasy and i have to beat up from the floor up, before i get to the point of becoming willing enough to do any sort of work on myself. as i sat, way too early on this late spring Sunday morning, the echoes of what i have not been doing until the past seventy-two hours or so, were overwhelming. i may not have finished my THIRD STEP, but at least now i am willing to step off the ledge with a bit of FAITH and make the decision i have faked making for so long. today, i am willing to decide to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, even though i am not sure that i will actually be cared for, by that POWER.
my life in recovery has followed that pattern since the day i walked into my first meeting: pretending that i am something i am not, until the pain becomes unbearable, or my FEAR of my fraud being revealed becomes overwhelming. as sick as that sounds, it was sufficient to keep me clean to now. sufficiency is not what i desire any longer and as i move into actually doing a bit of step writing i saw that it was not FEAR that motivated me, it was the pain. no, what i DESIRE these days is an ease of living that i have only discovered through living a program of active recovery. it is true that i do the daily maintenance gig, on a daily basis, i am not some sort of idiot and when something works, i make it a habit. as much as i hate to admit i am a creature of habit, that is who i am and apparently who i will be, at least in the here and now. i can be at peace with that notion and move along into where i need to go and be present for those i need to see, as i step out into the real world and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞