Blog entry for:

i experience a change that frees me.
so using my friend and peer as an example, i do not want to work this morning, in fact all i want to do is sit here and do absolutely nothing, except maybe play a computer game. the truth is, nothing is pressing but unless i finish up what i have on my desk i will not get paid the remainder of what is owed to me. yes, the choice, like when i work the steps, is mine and mine alone and yet there is a nagging feeling that leaving something undone will not bring the results i desire.
man these are the time when i feel like choices suck and i want the structure that comes from having someone there telling me what to do, when to do it and how it needs to be done, kind of like the protective and sheltering environment of jail. of course, that is so ridiculous that it does not need to be repeated, it does however give me a clue into my own set of feelings about how much and when i want to work. i finally am beginning to understand, where i failed when i was self-managing as an independent business person, back in the day two years ago.
as an metaphor for working the steps, i also start to see, why i can linger so long in the pain of “not doing.” as long as everything is not too bad, i can divert and procrastinate as much as possible, telling myself, that when i CHOOSE to, i have the solution. all of that is just fine and these days, it really is no big thang, as i have a minute or two of clean-time under my belt. or at least that is how the rationalization starts, and if you have been tracking my thoughts through this blog, you know that i have been dwelling heavily on the notion that somehow i am different from my peers in the rooms. that somehow i have found the magic bullet that has transformed me from the dope fiend i once was into a normal person, one that can use socially and not destroy his life as a result.
the upshot of all of this is, i will play a bit this morning, work a bit this morning, work with a sponsee, go to a meeting, and allow myself the freedom to follow my dreams, which today means a few hours of relaxation and down-time. it is after all a good day to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞