Blog entry for:

was not what i expected when i got clean. what i expected was a life of misery, as i had lost the most valuable tool in my arsenal, USING. getting high, cushioned the shock of the world around me and had the very pleasant side-effect of leveling my emotions. tripping merrily back to the day i got clean, i make no bones about the why of that action: eliminating the consequences of being under the thumb of the 20TH Judicial District of Colorado. today, today, as i ponder why i stay clean, the litany of rewards that has occurred since i embraced the TWELVE STEPS, is far longer than i can to enumerate. i stay clean and live a program, because i find the results of that life satisfying, rewarding and worthy of the effort i have applied across the days i have stayed clean. if i did not think that this lifestyle was paying off, i would be long gone.
now that i have addressed the reading, as i sat this morning, a whole different set of notions and ideas came up from the quiet. i took a day off from work yesterday and spent the morning hiking with a peer who has progresses through to becoming a very close friend. during that adventure, i realize dhow much i missed time, actual face-to-face time, with my friends. letting go of what was happening in my workplace and being present for the experience, was certainly well worth the effort. putting some time and distance between my home and an activity, felt wonderful. more than once in this locked down world, i have contemplated going somewhere to do something that was out of my current routine. in fact, i was considering returning to the office, just to get out. after my hike yesterday, returning to the office is not an option i will consider, at least for right now. i have a routine that allows for physical exercise and more time with my significant other. i am coming to cherish that time and see what i really need to do, is add sometime out and about, away from the crowds, my news-feeds and work, to get grounded once again. i may not be under the thumb of the legal system these days, but i do feel under the thumb of COVID-19 and NEED to find the means to accept the “new normal” instead of railing against it.
the other notion that popped off the stack, was the crickets i have been getting from a peer, who sounded as if they wanted some of my time. the cry for attention of two days ago, has been eliminated from my phone, but in this case, out of sight does not equal out of mind. whether or not they choose to do something to get “unstuck” from where they are, or not, i still am considering what action i may need to take. that is a question that may have no answer whatsoever and i may just need to accept that as well. it is a good day to be clean and it is time for me to go pound some of the local pavement, to get my steps in and listen again to the quiet within. life may not be a mystery, but i certainly am not holding my breath to see what this day may bring.

∞ DT ∞