โ when someone points out a shortcoming, my first reaction is usually defensive โ
Posted: Wed, Dec 29, 2010 08:16:07 AM
IF i truly want to be free, i will take a good look at input from fellow addicts. what did i hear this morning. i heard that i am not the best judge of what is going on within me and to rely on the observations of my fellow recovering addicts. before i get rolling, there is something that came up in my quiet time this morning, that i think i need to explore a bit.
last evening, i met with a sponsee and together attended a local meeting, by the time the meeting ended all i wanted to do ids get the fVck out of there. so i made a bit of small talk, and in less than 2.2 seconds i was in my car headed away from the meeting. last night in my 10th step there was nothing of note about this behavior, it took sleeping on it and listening this morning for me to get around to looking at it. there was a lot going on, as i look back. i had a “sick” headache coming on. i needed gas and stuff from the grocery store for this morning. if i wanted to, i could justify my behavior with those two facts alone, however the gas station and the grocery were in no imminent state of closing, and headaches are just inconvenient for me these days, far from debilitating in the manner they once were. so the chances are, something else was going on. as i sit here and examine my feelings last night, the recovery judge was running in my head during the entire meeting. most of what was shared, in the opinion of that judge was psycho-babble bullsh!t and rehashing of very old material for the millionth and first time. no real emotions, or recovery for the most part only the blah, blah, blah of the endless relapsers and 30 day wonders. even now i had to walk away and look at the morning sky, to defuse the self-righteous indignation that was rising within. i have got to the bottom of what was going on, i was more than a bit angry, i was pissed off, at what i saw as a waste of time, energy and breath. so sometime during that meeting i had moved from teachable, willing and open-minded, into the familiar social judge, jury and executioner, and that persona would have summarily executed more than one last night.
how i got myself into such a state of being is really irrelevant. my hasty exit stage right was a good thing, as in that particular mood, i more than likely would have laid into one of my victims and rendered their cheery little world into a scorched, barren wasteland. which by the way is one of those behaviors that i am not very fond of, one that i do my best not to participate in, and one that beating a hasty retreat is an excellent choice for an alternative.
i am who i am, and i am certainly ready to learn this morning. sorting out what was going on ten hours ago, is not always the most productive task for this addict, but when it pops up during my quiet time, it certainly is something i NEED to look at. i can and i do recover, day by day. i am better at it on some days than others, that is part of me being human and an addict. today? well now that i have sorted this out, the one who i could be angry at is me. as productive as that sounds, it too is worthless waste of my emotional state. so like my dawg, i am going to forgive myself for being human. i am going to love myself without conditions and i am going to move forward into this day, with a fresh outlook at who and what i am, and where i am going today. if someone needs to tell me something? well i am going to do my best to carefully consider their input and properly file it into my action drawer.
speaking of action, time to hit the streets and get some calories burnt off. now that i can be rational and detached about my emotional state last night, it is time to make today as good as i can. and yes i meant to the best of my ability!
last evening, i met with a sponsee and together attended a local meeting, by the time the meeting ended all i wanted to do ids get the fVck out of there. so i made a bit of small talk, and in less than 2.2 seconds i was in my car headed away from the meeting. last night in my 10th step there was nothing of note about this behavior, it took sleeping on it and listening this morning for me to get around to looking at it. there was a lot going on, as i look back. i had a “sick” headache coming on. i needed gas and stuff from the grocery store for this morning. if i wanted to, i could justify my behavior with those two facts alone, however the gas station and the grocery were in no imminent state of closing, and headaches are just inconvenient for me these days, far from debilitating in the manner they once were. so the chances are, something else was going on. as i sit here and examine my feelings last night, the recovery judge was running in my head during the entire meeting. most of what was shared, in the opinion of that judge was psycho-babble bullsh!t and rehashing of very old material for the millionth and first time. no real emotions, or recovery for the most part only the blah, blah, blah of the endless relapsers and 30 day wonders. even now i had to walk away and look at the morning sky, to defuse the self-righteous indignation that was rising within. i have got to the bottom of what was going on, i was more than a bit angry, i was pissed off, at what i saw as a waste of time, energy and breath. so sometime during that meeting i had moved from teachable, willing and open-minded, into the familiar social judge, jury and executioner, and that persona would have summarily executed more than one last night.
how i got myself into such a state of being is really irrelevant. my hasty exit stage right was a good thing, as in that particular mood, i more than likely would have laid into one of my victims and rendered their cheery little world into a scorched, barren wasteland. which by the way is one of those behaviors that i am not very fond of, one that i do my best not to participate in, and one that beating a hasty retreat is an excellent choice for an alternative.
i am who i am, and i am certainly ready to learn this morning. sorting out what was going on ten hours ago, is not always the most productive task for this addict, but when it pops up during my quiet time, it certainly is something i NEED to look at. i can and i do recover, day by day. i am better at it on some days than others, that is part of me being human and an addict. today? well now that i have sorted this out, the one who i could be angry at is me. as productive as that sounds, it too is worthless waste of my emotional state. so like my dawg, i am going to forgive myself for being human. i am going to love myself without conditions and i am going to move forward into this day, with a fresh outlook at who and what i am, and where i am going today. if someone needs to tell me something? well i am going to do my best to carefully consider their input and properly file it into my action drawer.
speaking of action, time to hit the streets and get some calories burnt off. now that i can be rational and detached about my emotional state last night, it is time to make today as good as i can. and yes i meant to the best of my ability!
∞ DT ∞