Blog entry for:

this morning, i do not feel like being of service to anyone, or anything. i feel like crawling back into bed and sleeping this day away. or even better, acting out in pure unabashed hedonism. yes it is cold, and gloomy, and still snowing. i really do not mind the snow all that much, it is the cold that gets to me, and the next few days are going to be frigid. so what will i do? well for one i swill stop pouting about things i cannot control, like other people and the weather. i will get some work accomplished and i will be of service to least myself and if the opportunity arises, to others. i am not going out looking for service opportunities, i will however accept what comes to me.
saying that, i think i will move on.
it was an interesting night last night. one of my peers in recovery came up and asked me if he was the object of my tirade yesterday. i said no, and forgot to tell him that i had enough respect for him, that if i felt he needed to be the object of fury, i would let him know. there are more than a few people in my life, who i respect enough to let them know what i think.
i also got to be part of a cleaning process, and actually handled things that make me go HMMMMMM. what was once in the car of an addict coming back from relapse, has now been relegated to a dumpster and hopefully on its way to the dump. i am grateful that i had a sponsee with me, as i was curious to actually look at what i was disposing of, instead of just taking an addict at his word, that the objects i was handling actually held what he said they did. this morning, as i ponder the feelings last night, i know that was the addict inside, looking for an excuse. examining what was inside, may not have led to relapse, but it certainly would have set off a whole chain of feelings about stuff, and get the old self-talk going about how just one would not hurt anything. i would have forgot how miserable the addict who asked for help was, less than a few hours clean, i would have ignored the pained expression on his face when he spoke of his intent to just go out for a weekend, nearly a month ago. most importantly i would not have been able to actually listen to what he was saying and provide him the smallest bit of comfort. as it is, i am not sure that i said or did anything of service to him last night. that is of course the part of me i call my addict talking, minimizing and maximizing and generally warping reality into a comfortable version that will lead me out of recovery.
so where do i go now? well after writing about stuff, it is time to be of service to my community, by removing the snow and ice from my sidewalks. time to be of service to the woman with whom i share my life, by taking out the trash and shoveling the snow off the driveway. time to be of service to those who pay my bills by getting busy working, and time to be of service to myself, by moving forward with all that is in front of me. sitting and whining will not get me anywhere this morning, so it is off to the next set of tasks for this day, remembering that staying clean, choosing to live a program of recovery and just being honest with myself is perhaps the greatest service i can do.

∞ DT ∞