Blog entry for:

of the good things that this way of living holds for me. okay, so i took out the part about the fellowship and substituted what has really been given to me by the fellowship to which i belong. it is quite true, that i was one of those who believed life outside of active addiction would be, shall we say, DULL AND BORING! after all, it was more than just getting high. where would i find the drama and the chaos in which i seemed to thrive? where would i find the ability to take a trip and never leave the living room couch? how would i ever expand my understanding of life, the universe and everything? and on and on and on…
so here i am several thousand days later, wondering what all my FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT was really all about. i have discovered that drama and chaos is part of every human group, even the most saintly. i CAN choose to be a part of that, or as i am finding out day by day, leave that to someone else and enjoy the life i have been given. i have discovered that actually traveling to those places is far better than chemically induced journeys to who knows where. i have come to accept that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42, so there is no need for me to ponder that any longer, i can be okay just seeing what i see, living in the here and now, and allowing life and the recovery process to happen, WHETHER I GET IT OR NOT!
so have i left the so-called good life behind, or is is just ahead of me?" well the answer to that question is neither. i am living a great life, right here and right now. i could be richer, younger or better looking, but i do not need tom worry about any of that, and none of that affects my ability to enjoy and cherish what i have today.
okay i know i am starting to sound like one of the cult, chanting along the party line and not questioning anything. i do wonder, at times. if i have been hammered into a mold, from which i cannot escape. have i really stopped questioning, stopped critically considering, stopped being an individual and started being some sort of robot? or could it be, that i have seen a new direction and really am content with where i am and where i appear to be going? i just do not know, and as i type this, i see that it really is quite a trivial concern. sure the steer in the pasture is happy chewing its cud, with no foreknowledge that its final destination is several meat and meat by-products. all of this and so much more is now flooding my mind, and i guess when i get down to it, what is the good life exactly?
today for me, it means that i live to the best of my ability, as the man i have always wanted to be. it means i take responsibility for things and events that i can and let the rest go. it means that NO MATTER WHAT, i do not use. most importantly it means that i can see and accept myself just as i am today, in all my glorious humanness. so before i wrap this up:

CONGRATS on 22 YEARS, DENISE W
Thank you for being here and keeping the doors open
so i could find the GOOD LIFE!

where was i? oh yeah i starting to wind down. so brainwashed or not, i can see that i have a path back to the so-called life i came from. no one is holding a gun to my head, at least not anymore. i CHOOSE this way of life and am grateful that i have the ability to choose. i also CHOOSE to make myself a bit fitter, so it is off to the streets i go, to work off the extra calories i consumed last night. by the way, MY LIFE ROCKS!

∞ DT ∞