Blog entry for:

using drugs, why do they appear to be so happy and carefree? that was the question that plagued my early recovery, leading me to believe that either i was not like those members and could not be an addict, or else they were all frauds and they were using on the side. i am quite certain that i am not the first one to wonder about that, and i will not be the last. for me, sharing that part of my early recovery is something i consider important, as i was not one of those who walked into my first meeting and was “struck clean.” i know that many of my peers often downplay the reservations, trials and tribulations of their early recovery experience, and i will not fault them for that. when i do so, it is an act and i am attempting to perpetrate a fraud, in the name of “attraction.” the simple fact is, i struggled to stay clean when i was new, and as a result of overcoming those initial self-imposed obstacles, i got the desire to be more than clean and socially-acceptable. today i have the desire to be something more and hanging around the rooms facilitates my journey out of the heart of darkness.
there were many in the rooms when i got here and before i go on, i need to shout-out to one of them:

Denise W.,
THIRTY (30) years clean!
Thank you for showing me the way, to do this gig, Just For Today.

moving back into the not so light world of my recovery musings, i often find myself in a place in my recovery, where once again i begin to wonder if this is the place for me. i ask myself why others appear to be so blithe and less than diligent in their recovery and i cannot. and yes, i get envious of their apparent easy, softer way of doing this gig. which makes me peer back to those early days and compare and contrast who i am today, and who i was, once upon a time.
where i end-up as a result of that quick trip down memory lane, is in a place of gratitude for what i have been given, the ways and means to beyond being just another drug addict. do not misread that last statement, i am no better than the addicts who are just finding the rooms today and i am certainly not worse than those who had their asses planted in rooms before i came. i am still a garden variety addict, who happens to have found a way to stay clean, grow some FAITH in a program that fosters a life without using and as a serious benefit allows me to find out who i am and who i might become. i GET to keep coming back today and i GET to make that decision again tomorrow. today, i understand how someone like me, can be happy and carefree, without the use of drugs for days on end. today the message i carry is that my path top this place was through the suggestions of those who came before me and i paved today by the experience of those with whom i share my recovery. that keeps me planted in the middle of the pack and that keeps me from taking those notions of “maybe i am not…” out of consideration, in the here and now. life without using is far from a laugh-a-minute thrill ride, but it is certainly better than what i had, when i was pitched into the rooms and told to “get this” or else. it is however, time to sign-off and head on down to work, to collect my daily bread, which was something i found so loathsome and tiresome that i did what i could to avoid doing so.

∞ DT ∞