Blog entry for:

dishonesty progressively more uncomfortable, perhaps even agonizing, as i stay clean and learned to live a life based in active daily recovery. dealing with an addict who may of may not be clean, has thrown the consequences of dishonesty in my face, painfully so. living a lie for so long, and living in martyrdom on the altar of my Mom and her behaviors, i grow tired of hearing tales of woe and martyrdom from those who, just as i did, lived voluntarily in that misery. this morning, as i am preparing to move forward with my life, with or without a personal relationship is a road i am excited to take. they have asked me to cease any further contact with them and for that i am grateful. i had to laugh this morning as it came to me, that what pissed me off the most about dealing with that addict, was that they had co-opted my story of woe voluntary martyrdom. i still forgive them for all the lying, theft, manipulation and game playing they put me through and the only thing on my side of the street to clean-up was enabling them to live as they did for longer than i needed to. oh well, i will some day make amends to them for that bit of people-pleasing, when and if they give me permission to do so. right now i am the bad guy and the one they will hate on for at least a minute. i am okay with playing that role in the drama of their bubble-world. of course, it goes without saying that i am the one who lied, stole and “broke” every agreement we had. they will never own up to the fact that it was their behavior with the people i hired to perform a task, that is at the root of having to leave a week earlier than originally planned, as like me, back in the day, everything ws someone else's fault and today i is it. 😈 😉
this morning as i tossed all that into the bit bucket, i see that i had a very big issue with being truthful, hell even the slightest bit honest for quite somne time in my recovery. i made up stories to inflate my “value” as that is what i always did, ever since i was a child. i did shit to see if i could get away with it and then gaslighted every one when i got busted and when hat did not work, the rationalizations, excuses and justification were flying everywhere. coming to terms with who i am and allowing myself the freedom to find woth in who i was and my honest experiences was a quantum leap forward into the here and now. today, i am comfortable in my own skin, i sleep well at night and never worry about who i might run into, as i live my life with integrity and attempt to leave a minimal wake of destruction and woe behind me.
to be honest, i am sad the way the relationship with my niece is coming to the end. i have forgiven her and have no intention in disparaging her to my siblings as we decide what if any part of my Mom's estate we will share with her. i will be honest about what she has already glommed on to as well as what i know for a fact h[she got from my Mom and the rest of her garbage will remain in the bit bucket and thrown out with all the other stuff that no longer works for me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞