Blog entry for:

in the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, is difficult in pandemic, social distancing times. i see some of my peers struggling to find something to grasp on to, as they slide down into dark places. others, avoid the virtual meetings because they find them distasteful for one reason or another. for me, they are becoming my life-line to the very souls that can help me weather this whole topsy-turvy, locked-down world that i find myself in. in days past, i was not one of those who attended more than two or three meetings a week on a regular basis. in these times, i find myself at six or seven meetings each week. i do, however, miss the personal touch of seeing my peers face-to-face and spending time with them before and after “physical” meetings.
as i sat this morning, one of the notions that popped off the stack, was the object lesson i am receiving via our “permanent” guest. even though i do not “have to” get up at 4:40 AM, as i am no longer commuting to the office, i still do. even though i could probably “get away” not showering or shaving for several days, i still take care of my personal hygiene. even though i could “get away” with binging TV, rather than doing productive work for my employer, i choose to learn something new, when what has to get done for my clients, is complete. i do not say any of this because i expect recognition, nor because i am trying to prove how much “better” i am, than our guest. i do all of that out of self-interest,. as i could see myself sliding into becoming a purposeless, lazy lump of flesh, caught up in a fantasy world of selfish entitlement and self-interest, believing that i am “owed” something because of my unique status. active participation in my recovery program, provides me the means to stay a part of a world i do not understand or find to my liking.
okay, i have climbed on to a soapbox and before i get too carried away:

Denise W.
Thirty-One (31) years of doing the gig.
Thank you for encouraging me to Keep Coming Back.

looking to my peers, especially those who have some significant clean time, i get the feeling that maybe, for the first time in m life, i can face the unknowable future with less fear and trepidation.
as i move into another day, locked down and socially isolated, i can be grateful for the program that i have discovered to make me a better version of the man that walked into the rooms. that program, and my active participation in the fellowship, keeps me grounded in reality, even when i want to escape into flights of fantasy or retreat back to bed. there is a certain comfort in routine and allowing myself to adhere to it, is more than a bit fulfilling. i am by nature lazy and have the desire to get something for nothing. these days, i am finding myself swimming upstream and feeling a bit exhilarated that i am making progress towards becoming someone i no longer recognize, because my peers have shown me how to do it and more importantly why i should, just for today.

∞ DT ∞