Blog entry for:

sounds suspiciously like a promise to me and of course the fellowship that gave me this new life makes a single promise. be that as it may, i really did not understand what the fellowship and life had to offer me those few days ago when i finally made the commitment to myself to learn how to recover. and today i am still not quite sure what the fellowship and life has to offer me. it seems that in the next few hours the woman with whom i choose to shear my life will finally become a grandmother and i am uncertain what that means to me. well i know that means for certain, that she will become more involved in the lives of her progeny, but what my new role will be is still undecided, at least in my head. i am way too young to be a grandfather :)) and this is not the issue of my line, so physically i have no tie to the new young man entering this world. emotionally i am still trying to adjust to the new reality our lives together and have yet to decide internally where i fit in the family the love of my life brought with her to our relationship. spiritually i am of two minds -- run away and wait for everything to settle out or just grin and bear it and wait for everything to settle out, so i know what i need to do is somewhere in between those extremes. no one has asked me if i WANT to be in the delivery room this morning, and has just assumed that i would want to be there, when actually i would be a whole lot more comfortable to let everyone else be there and i get to see the issue of the process. and of course i have yet to make my feelings known so i suffer in silence and feel like i am being pulled out to sea in a riptide. you know the whole poor me martyr syndrome.
what the fellowship has to offer me today is the means to sit here and sort out my feelings, mull over my possible courses of action and make a decision as to what i will do. and the time has come to let my desires be known, after all, i too have a stake in my life today.

∞ DT ∞