Blog entry for:

leave the **good life** behind, when i finally accepted a program of recovery in to my life?
a friend a peer had seven celebrated seven years clean, yesterday. after the meeting we spoke and they said all the usual stuff, being grateful for the power of the fellowship and the POWER that allows them the opportunity to stay clean, day after day. something in that equation was missing, and i told them flat-out that while all of that was wonderful, the part they forgot, is that they, themselves, made a choice to stay clean for all those days in a row, and that effort DESERVED to be acknowledged. before i get on my soap box, another of my friends and peers needs a shout-out:

Denise W
10227 days (28 years) of choosing not to use.
I am certainly glad, you kept coming back,
and came back clean! Congrats, my friend.

moving into the discussion of my so-called good life, back in the day and my good life today. it is hardly fair to compare and contrast those two slices of my life, as the only thing in common between them, is me. even that is a suspect aspect to tie them together, as i am not the person i was way back when and certainly not going to willingly return to that state of being. my point is simply this, once upon a time, i had deluded myself into thinking that getting high every single day was by choice. the sad fact of those days is, i NEEDED to “wake and bake,” just to face the “real” world and NEEDED something more to endure the drudgery of the chaotic life i had created. even in the dullest of times, there was always a bit of chaos swirling around me, and when it was not evident to my numbed state of being, i went out and stirred the pot, to get it rolling again. that life was not filled with drug-kingpin activities, gun fights or car chases, but it had drama on a level far more subtle and in the end, i still ended up a victim of the justice system, instead of a willing participant in my recovery.
what have i gained by being clean? the choice to use or not to use.
what have i gained , by living the program of recovery as it has been given to me? a glimpse of the future and the means to live my life more fully than ever before.
it is quite true, that this program, was here before i got it. i am grateful for my predecessors, especially those who decided that some people, people like me, may need a different way of recovery than was currently being offered. those members, who created this new manner of recovery and inspired a full-fledged fellowship that could and did step out from under the shadow of its inspiration are the ones i am most grateful to, today. because of their efforts i can see that i am not a collection of addictions, nor in the thrall of any substance. this path, at least for me, is the only one, that i could see me staying true to, day after day. because i CHOOSE to live this program, i GET another slice of a better life and those in my life, get a better slice of me.
as i came out of the denial of how alone and lonely i really was, isolated in my addiction, i began to see things a bit more clearly. once where all i wanted to be is left alone to get really fVcking high, now i want to be a part of something greater: my family, my work environment, my social circle and the fellowship i call my home. the ennui and creeping malaise i felt way back when is gone. it has been replaced by a desire to become whole. i know that i owe my social life to the fellowship as they have been cracking at the rocky crust i developed in active addiction, chipping away at it day after day. when i say to one who may just be a dilettante that i choose not to carry on side conversations in a meeting, because i may miss something i NEED to hear to further my recovery today, i do say in all seriousness, whether they choose to believe me or not.
am i regretting the life i left behind? no, not today. in fact i believe that life i am living is the “good life,” and it can certainly get better, or at least i can, which of course will change my perspective and make me see it as getting better, it is after all, just a matter of relativity,m nod not the E=mc² type. it is a great day to enjoy the good life i have been given through the fellowship, the POWER that fuels my recovery and my own efforts to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞