Blog entry for:

lots of stuff going on in my head this morning. about a month ago, i sent a friend request to a person who was actually one of my friends in the hell that i barely escaped from thirty five years ago. when i did not hear from him for several days, i figured that was that and moved on with my life. well last night he checked into FB and responded to my friend request, and now i am not certain if i really want to walk through that door or not. this is certainly something i am going to play by ear and feel my way through.
when the reading this morning said to write about it, i was more than a little put off. exactly how much of this stuff do i want to look at today? more importantly is how much of this stuff do i want to look at today in this particular forum? i certainly can see how writing about this, as well as some other things currently going on in my head would be a good thing. i can also GET that maybe the POWER that fuels my recovery is nudging me towards something that needs to be reconciled and perhaps integrated into my current experience. here is where the big BUT comes in, i am not certain i am willing to walk through this yet, regardless of what i am being told. there is far too much going on inside my head right now, that i need to get out and about and clear some of the sludge away. so the time to run has come. and today that is not just a figure of speech. i am certain that i am not being presented with something i cannot handle. i am certain that when i knocked on that door, i knew what the consequences may be. what i am not certain of, is whether or not i want to face those consequences, so a run will at least help me to clear my head of all the other crap that is running through it and get me ready to do some work this morning.
i do not often get to come back and add a post-script to this little exercise, however, events this morning not only allowed this action, but encouraged this. so i know that the door has been opened, the genie is out of the bottle and the milk has been spilled, to run through just a few clichés i can do my best to avoid the consequences, i can ignore the consequences or i can stand up face them. that part of my past, that i so callously locked away, a long time ago and have domineer my best to keep in the dungeon was one of the worst times in my life. if one were to to look at my pattern of using, one would find, that this is where it took off, and took off in a direction that was not predictable. i spent almost three years of this part of my life trying to anesthetize my feelings with alcohol, as my preferred methods were not available to me. i did not fit in, no matter how hard i tried and booze WAS the answer, the only thing that allowed me any semblance of feeling normal in such a strange and foreign land. i did manage to make two or three friends, that in pitched into the trash can, when i turned my back to that time in my life, and contacting them via FaceBook will bring up some stuff that i may not want to look at, like amends, resentments and dealing with this part of my past. if i accept that there are no coincidences and that the POWER that fuels my recovery is giving me what i NEED right when i NEED it, than this too is something that needs to be resolved and there is only one way i know of to do so -- WRITE ABOUT IT!
on that note it is off to the showers and into this Monday morning in May 2011!

∞ DT ∞