Blog entry for:

confused or in pain, taking pen to paper does help me sort out those feelings. pounding this out, even on a daily basis, can relieve my need to actually write but is a poor substitute for the permanence of jotting it down. i often tell the men i sponsor that exact same trope, that writing with a open, is how i wish them to write out their step work and i, myself, adhere to that rule. this little ditty, however, is more like a pressure relief valve for me, as i put down just about anything that comes to mind with little regard for the consequences.
once upon a time, i created the software for this little exercise, as an exercise to show that my college degree had some real-world value. putting oneself and one's feelings and deep thoughts online, for anyone and everyone to read, was all the rage and i fell into the habit of posting something every day. if one were to take the time to read through the corpus of my online musings, one could definitely chart the course of my recovery. where once i was a parrot of the party line in my attempt to look similar to some sort of recovery guru, today i am more apt to disagree with one or more of the tenets of the program, that many of my peers, revere and hold in high esteem. i have used this daily bit about what is on my mind, to be a bully and criticize what i disagree with, in the fellowship and in the social and political spheres of the so-called real world. i ave written to attract followers and used to obsess about how many netizens, checked out my work. today, i am of the opinion that what i put down in bits and bytes is for me and is certainly more akin to maintaining a journal, than it is about having any sort of depth or significance. one day, may decide to yank the plug, squirrel away what i have written and walk away. in the meantime though…
yes, all of that is oh so nice, but what was it that i heard this morning? well, now that i have had several days to think about what i heard last Saturday, maybe the time has come to actually pull out the pen and paper and write what i feel about this iteration of my THIRD STEP. yes putting those words down here is the easy part, actually doing the work, is where i have balked for quite some time. i do know that the growing unease i feel, could be reduced by doing so. as i have been telling one of the men i sponsor. willingness without action is fantasy, and i have lived in fantasy, at least about the progress of my step work, for far too long. it is not as if i am going to stop by a dispensary on my home from work, BUT that substance has been in my dreams a whole lot more lately than i am comfortable with, so once again i need to accept that i have yet to be cured and take my own suggestions.
if i want to stay clean and progress in my recovery, i will need to take some action, or i just may find myself walking into one of those establishments, just to “check it out, ” and just for today, that is not something i have the DESIRE to do.

∞ DT ∞