๐ getting to the bottom ๐
Posted: Wed, May 9, 2018 07:39:17 AM
of my confusion, by writing all about it. i am fortunate in many ways, among them is the habit i have developed of typing a missive to the uncharted vastness of the internet on a fairly regular basis. i never really thought about how much garbage i dump here, but this is my favorite toxic waste site, from time to time. whether or not anyone reads what i am putting down in bits and bytes, has become less and less important as time goes on, at least for me. this is my forum to explore issues and ideas that stray from the party line and most importantly, are important enough for me, but fall into the grey area that separates what i can share at meetings and what i NEED to share only with my sponsor. a couple of issues have traipsed into my life uninvited over the past twenty-four that need to “written” this morning.
a “friend” posted that they were “technically not clean, but at least they were not hooked on…” this is not a judgement on them, as it is not my place to judge another, especially over whether or not they are being honest. what i heard, when i saw that comment was, maybe that could work for me. i could be “technically” not clean and still retain all that i have gotten as a result of the program. wht i heard was that there was a chance that i could “control” my using and continue to live the life i have built up, as a result of staying clean and living a program. since i would not be “technically” clean, all the time and effort i now devote to my recovery could be diverted to other activities and i could become a “whole new person,” not saddled by the chains of addiction and the baggage that comes along with being an addict, the free pass i have been seeking for the past twenty years. as disturbing as that whole line of thinking may be, i see that sort of rationalization and eminent fronts, pout up all the time, by my social media “friends” until the wheels come flying off and they start to get familiar with the taste of gun oil. as time passes, i realize that it is true that i can return to having a little something now and again, i just never know where that will eventually lead to and just for today, that is not a journey into a heart of darkness that i am willing to take.
the second thing that came up for me, in the past twenty-four, is that while waiting for my order to be filled at the local grocery store deli, i heard the employees talking about having to take mandatory “active shooter” training. the notion that i am at risk for being gunned down while getting chicken wings and slaw, never occurred to me, after all that always happens elsewhere. and then i realize that is probably what the students thought at Columbine or the cinema attendees at the Century theater. the realization that at any time, some nut job whose “silicon chip inside their head has switched to overload” and decide to spray a local retail facility with lead, is certainly quite a possibility and given the NRA and the current administration's jazz hands and tap dancing around who can actually own what kind of weapons, it is a probability to consider as i walk through my day. the notion that i could be an innocent bystander in a gun battle, even after surviving twenty-five years of active addiction, disturbed me yesterday and is still disturbing me this morning. it was a scenario that i chose to ignore and now must face, just because it is on the top of my stack. the fact is, that is life in this post-modern world and by acknowledging that possibility exists and seeing exactly how much power i have over it, i can let it go and not walk around in FEAR of what may come down, unlike that over-privileged, white, racist, helicopter hysterical woman at CSU, who “feared” for her safety and called the cops because two prospective students joined a tour and did not meet her expectations about how to act in a crowd. guess what white-bread, deference to your “betters” in NO LONGER required behavior. in fact, if you were so freaking “afraid” maybe you should have locked yourself in a safe room somewhere and called your Mommy!
oops, i wandered a bit astray there. anyhow, it is time to wrap this up and see if i can keep my pulse rate in the mid 80's as i commute to work, just for today.
a “friend” posted that they were “technically not clean, but at least they were not hooked on…” this is not a judgement on them, as it is not my place to judge another, especially over whether or not they are being honest. what i heard, when i saw that comment was, maybe that could work for me. i could be “technically” not clean and still retain all that i have gotten as a result of the program. wht i heard was that there was a chance that i could “control” my using and continue to live the life i have built up, as a result of staying clean and living a program. since i would not be “technically” clean, all the time and effort i now devote to my recovery could be diverted to other activities and i could become a “whole new person,” not saddled by the chains of addiction and the baggage that comes along with being an addict, the free pass i have been seeking for the past twenty years. as disturbing as that whole line of thinking may be, i see that sort of rationalization and eminent fronts, pout up all the time, by my social media “friends” until the wheels come flying off and they start to get familiar with the taste of gun oil. as time passes, i realize that it is true that i can return to having a little something now and again, i just never know where that will eventually lead to and just for today, that is not a journey into a heart of darkness that i am willing to take.
the second thing that came up for me, in the past twenty-four, is that while waiting for my order to be filled at the local grocery store deli, i heard the employees talking about having to take mandatory “active shooter” training. the notion that i am at risk for being gunned down while getting chicken wings and slaw, never occurred to me, after all that always happens elsewhere. and then i realize that is probably what the students thought at Columbine or the cinema attendees at the Century theater. the realization that at any time, some nut job whose “silicon chip inside their head has switched to overload” and decide to spray a local retail facility with lead, is certainly quite a possibility and given the NRA and the current administration's jazz hands and tap dancing around who can actually own what kind of weapons, it is a probability to consider as i walk through my day. the notion that i could be an innocent bystander in a gun battle, even after surviving twenty-five years of active addiction, disturbed me yesterday and is still disturbing me this morning. it was a scenario that i chose to ignore and now must face, just because it is on the top of my stack. the fact is, that is life in this post-modern world and by acknowledging that possibility exists and seeing exactly how much power i have over it, i can let it go and not walk around in FEAR of what may come down, unlike that over-privileged, white, racist, helicopter hysterical woman at CSU, who “feared” for her safety and called the cops because two prospective students joined a tour and did not meet her expectations about how to act in a crowd. guess what white-bread, deference to your “betters” in NO LONGER required behavior. in fact, if you were so freaking “afraid” maybe you should have locked yourself in a safe room somewhere and called your Mommy!
oops, i wandered a bit astray there. anyhow, it is time to wrap this up and see if i can keep my pulse rate in the mid 80's as i commute to work, just for today.
∞ DT ∞