Blog entry for:

what*s really causing my pain, as in pounding out a FOURTH STEP in a matter of hours when i dilly-dallied for nearly two years. what came out of that writing was so totally unexpected, i am still attempting to find a path forward. after a whirlwind trip across the width of Montana and Wyoming, i have reached a place of being grateful for where i am and the family i have remaining. there are not enough minutes in a day for me to carry a restatement against any family member, or myself, any longer. i got to spend some time with my cousins, at the “scene” of on of my drunken evenings, watching them descend in alcoholic bliss and denial. as fun as that evening may have been for them, for me, it reminded me to be part of their lives and take part in whatever they happen to suggest doing. as i alluded to the other day, i wasted too much time living in a glass house, with little or no contact with that part of my family.
as i was crossing the prairies and the hills that separate my home from the family hometown, i had time to consider what was really important to me, as i move forward in my newish state of being “woke.” i heard many disturbing ideas as my cousins got a bit tipsy and amongst those ideas was the notion that the COVID-19 pandemic was a “political” ploy. i sobered a few of them up by telling them that if they truly believed it, they should ask our cousin Eric what he thought, as he struggles for his life in ICU, due to complications from a COVID-19 infection. at forty years old. her should not be fighting for his life from a “hoax.” i am not one of those who is running scared about this virus, nor am i one of those who is all in a tizzy about the government controlling me, bay mandating a mask when i am in enclosed public spaces. what i learned on the m any stops along my journey of the past three days, is that denial is running rampant and caring for others, is out the window on the wings of what a political party is trying to shove down the throats of its faithful followers.
enough of my polemic and back to where i started: old resentments from times long passed. the amazing thing, at least for mew, is that after a bit of time, i have finally reached a state of forgiveness for the perpetrator of the event that drove me to form a belief structure based on the lie of being broken. what i became was not their fault, as they did what they thought was best. i was the one that took that added the additional meaning to a one-off and ran with it. they may never see that event for what it was, and i really do not give a rat's ass about that any more. i need to move on and forgive myself for what i did and what i became as a result of that event and its retelling in a “humorous” vein in my presence. those feelings now released, no longer rule me and i can let go of what once was and move into the what is now. i now no my life is far too finite to be living the lie that defined me for far too long, just for today.

∞ DT ∞