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more powerful antidote to the despair and self-destruction of addiction, especially when i express it through carrying the message of recovery. that message is that an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. time and again i heard those words when i was getting clean, maintaining mere abstinence and resisting with all my willpower the gift of recovery. i told myself over and over and over again that i was NOT an addict and certainly not “any addict.” when i finally gave up that fight, long after picking up a “white,” i did have to wonder why i was so resistant to the ways and means to have a much better life.
after all these days clean, i no longer wonder at all, it was abject and sheer FEAR of losing who and what i was to a paradigm that relied on a whole lot of ideas i was unwilling to embrace. all the love ion the world could not conquer my fear and self-will kept me sick until i nearly crossed the Rubicon and used again. the die was certainly cast that night when i bought the sack of dope and sat in the same room as my using buddy, gnashing my teeth and cursing the whole set of circumstances that led me to that point. i know today, that had i used that early morning in New Jersey, chance are i would never feel the love of the fellowship or be able to give it to others.
i have to admit, that as i sat this morning, i went round and round about work and very little of the quiet seeped in. when i distill the little bit that did make it through my inability to let go, what i see is that i do have a desire to share my recovery and message with the addict who still suffers. that addict, surprise, surprise, may not actually be the newest of the new, and i often get pissed at my peers, because they ignore other members who may be in need of our love, to give all their attention to the FNG. ah, but that is neither here nor there. what is important though, is that i get over my own bad self, lighten up and remember they may not see what i see, but if i see a peer who needs a bit of care and concern, it is my job to provide whatever aid that i able to provide, just for today.

∞ DT ∞