Blog entry for:

my confusion and find out what is really causing my pain when i put the pen to the paper. this is kind of one of those **DUH** readings for me, as i write this little ditty on a zealously daily basis, even when i do not have a whole lot of shakin' going on. HOWEVER, writing about writing about it, may not be a futile exercise in stating the fVcking obvious, as sometimes, when i am in agreement, totally and absolutely, with the the reading, i go places that i did not realize exist.
this morning, as i start to absorb the enormity of what i have done over the past 48 hours, i am still a bit shell-shocked. opening a door to my past was one of the most necessary steps i have ever taken. talking with my high school drinking buddy and compatriot, i can see that what i perceived as the social culture of that place, was not that far off the mark.that is, unfortunate not my stuff. my stuff was the attitude of superiority i carried in with me, that turned a difficult environment into a hostile one. my stuff is that i abandoned those few who did care for me, when i fled from that place. my stuff is the anger and hatred i carried in my heart for all those decades and the crippling effect it had on how i viewed the world around me, no matter how subtle it had become in the last few years. when i told Carlos, that it surprised me that this was still such a defining influence on me, way back in my FIFTH STEP, i was being honest. when i look at it now, after seeing my friend and reminiscing about the times we had together, i can see that the self-wounding and flagellation can be stopped, those people can be forgiven of any sins against me, real or imagined and i can go on with my life, stronger for the experience.
i also heard some other stuff, as we sat there with his wife, and it was always my intention of completing the amending of this relationship, through direct action. what i think we NEED to discuss and what we will actually discuss, may end-up being two entirely different things, BUT, what i know is that i need to offer a means of communication that goes beyond texting or FaceBook. as i sit in this process over the next few days, or even hours, i will feel what the next right thing to do is. right now, dang it, it is to do nothing, and that drives me NUTZ! so here i sit, writing about doing nothing. ironic isn't it, taking action by doing nothing at all.

∞ DT ∞