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is a topic that i have come to, time and again. i do have an out, i GET to write about recovery every day, because i choose to do so, in this forum. it is true, that much of what i dump here, is raw and lacks the **message** of HOPE, that is the heart of the recovery program i live. i am not in danger of dropping my commitment to staying clean, just for today, but sitting at the doorstep of my FOURTH STEP is not a healthy place for this addict to be. the one thing that sustains me in my journey, is my obsessive adherence to the daily part of my program: STEPS TEN, ELEVEN and TWELVE. ZOOM meeting have been filling part of the gap in these uncertain times and i have been reaching out more to my peers in recovery, attempting to stay connected when all else fails. none of that relieves the feelings that pop up as i contemplate what this FOURTH STEP seems to be bringing up and i have never been so fearful about what a moral inventory is going to release, as i have been with this one. as i often say to the men i sponsor, it certainly is what it is and worrying about what may come is a painful and fruitless exercise in futility.
moving forward into what is going on, inside of me as i react to what i hear on social media and in the news, is a sense of abject and possibly justified rage. yes, i want the world to start “looking” normal, but i am not willing to sacrifice my parents, my aunts and uncles or my vulnerable friends on the altar of the almighty dollar or populist politics. i want to be able to go out and be social, hug my peers and enjoy a coffee or a cigar with them. living in the acceptance of that time has yet to come, drives me nuts,especially when i stumble across some of the most ignorant, non-scientific opinions of those who seem to think they are epidemiologists, medical professionals or constitutional lawyers. the facts is, i have formed a few opinions, based on the research of those in the scientific community. when i hear discredited scientists or politicians screaming about conspiracy theories, i get my hackles up. the facts are, they do not know and i judge those who scream the loudest as the most ignorant of all. i could go on and on, but to what point, as i will start raising my voice and join the chorus of the great, unwashed masses who are cluelessly spewing their screed to anyone within earshot.
this morning, as my state is tarting to open up, i feel hopeful that the “stops” are in place so i do not need to calculate what a human life is worth in terms of economic recovery. i may not be living in FEAR of COVID-19 and i am no longer angry about how the world is locked down, but that does not mean i am do not take the precautions to protect myself and those around me. i just may be in that 80% that gets the virus and never gets any symptoms, in fact i may have already moved into the group of “been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” it is a good day to be clean and maybe a good day to open my mind, walk through my FEAR and write a little bit. time will tell, i am okay today and getting the dawg out for a few minutes is certainly a good activity for me to undertake, in the here and now. what the rest of this day will bring, will be revealed as the day progresses.

∞ DT ∞