Blog entry for:

i give myself the chance to sort through what is bothering me.
today? what is working me over? well i have a sponsee in name only that once again finds himself behind bars and once again is reaching out to me, to get his STUFF, as in his material belongings, secured so he does not once again, lose everything. for the past ninety days or so, he left my world behind, except for a confused and rather disturbing phone call a week ago and now he is all born again into recovery, because once again his action shave led to him being incarcerated again. honestly, i am a bit angry, but what i really am is sad, because he believes that he is one of those who CANNOT get this way of life. he has lost the notion that he has the ability, what he lacks is the desire. the ironic part of this is, he started feeling sorry for himself, because an ex got engaged to her next, and even though he says he was over her, i know he believed that she was still his, because once he has someone, it is his belief that they are his for life.
i have pulled back in the past, and honestly i am not certain how to proceed from here. i certainly do not desire to sponsor him any longer, as the only time he does any work is when he is locked up. i have already invested money in giving him minutes on my phone, but have yet to decide how many times i will refill that pool. his physical belongings? i have already moved them the last time, so that is not an issue for me anymore.
no where the issue is, is do i treat him like a piece of garbage and dispose of him down the maw of the human waste disposal services that is the Colorado Department of Corrections, or do i continue to provide my support? that is the horns of the dilemma i am currently on, and of course it never is as simple as one choice or another, although i would like to simplify it into a choice between looking away and staying on. the infinite shades of grey between those extremes, is where i really need to focus my effort and i have yet to feel my way to my path in this matter.
what i do know is this: i am working from home this morning, to make sure the woman i love is well enough to be home alone. i am going over to jail this afternoon to pick up his keys and get his car moved, and yes, maybe even see him. i have put $25 on my phone, for him to burn through. everything else, is up for negotiation and out of my power. what i think i will do is, let go, grab a shower, and get working on the stuff i am paid to do. it is after all the next right thing to do. when i feel my way to a solution, i will allow myself the freedom to express it. it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞