Blog entry for:

i will practice forgiveness, knowing that i often need forgiveness myself. as i sit here, thinking about my resentments, those i have, those i imagine i have and those that seem to be on the verge of forming, i hardly feel in the forgiving sort of spirit. yes, i know, i could be all spiritual and dismiss that as a symptom of untreated addiction, that is running rampant in my life today. or even better, as far as appearances go, i could deny that i had any resentments at all of any sort, noting how thoroughly i have worked the steps and hence the elevation of my spirit to a new spiritual plane. the truth and that might be with a capital ‘T’, for me today, lies somewhere in between and i am not quite certain exactly where that spot is.
it is not like i am constantly simmering under my seemingly placid surface, that pressure is being relieved on a daily basis and the source of that anger, the resentments i have been carrying and the shame wrapped around all of that is subsiding, so on that front i am quite better and with that as a measurement, certainly in a much better place spiritually than i have been in years.
as i examine my ongoing behaviors, and put them into the context of my formal SIXTH STEP work, i can see many slights and disses in my life, turning into something more than minor annoyances, i see them becoming reasons to be angry, which can quickly morph into a resentment or three, when in reality, they really are nothing at all. it is my addict brain that pumps them up much more than is needed, always looking to get over on me and the part of me that wants to become something more than he has ever been before.
which rolls me around to the whole point, it is not the slings and arrows that i need to zoom in on, it is how i feel as a result and if i can move beyond my petty need for retribution and meting out of my particular brand of justice, into a place where i can forgive rather than retaliate. that concept was foreign to me when i came to the rooms, forgiveness that is, and even today, it sometimes feels like i am denying how i feel and swallowing my anger, when i really mean to be forgiving. perhaps, as i work through this set of steps, forgiving others will become more second nature to me and less like a foreign constraint, handed down from on high, that chafes and burns me, as i try an comply.
all of this and so much more, is rolling around in my noggin this morning, so instead of trying to put it all to words, i think i will hit the streets for my first run, after my four day hiatus. the rain-washed atmosphere and the cool temp, may make that particular activity, that much more pleasant for me today. i know i am due for a run and maybe, just maybe, as i trot off the excess calories and let go of all the stuff that is filling my mind this morning, i will also be able to let go of my resistance to change, as well. at least for the 60 minutes or so, i am out and about. it is a great day for me to remember that i am a human being, living in an imperfect world, and can hardly bear to carry the weight of resentments and anger around with me all day, so i might as well practice a bit of forgiveness.

∞ DT ∞