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even when i am not buying it at all. well i was going to run before writing this morning, as i just finished work, but here on the cusp of autumn, i am waiting for the air temperature to rise above 50° F. this may not happen for a quite a while, so no matter what, when i am done with writing i will get out there and do a workout. i did not realize how spoiled i am with the plus 60 degree mornings.
with that as an entry point, i can also find my self getting spoiled by a life with little drama. there are a couple of dramas i could participate in, one that still makes my blood boil, but what i am hearing and yes feeling, is that unless i want to play a sick little manipulative game, i have no business being there at all. so walking away from that drama, would have caused a resentment against the major game player in that whole affair. i know wanting an addict with clean time to act as if they actually had some recovery and be up front about who and what they are, is an expectation, as the literature so concisely says., expectations are premeditated resentments, and quite honestly i need no more resentments to weigh my spirit down.
i always seem to arrive at this point, my life gets mostly drama free, and i want to step in and stir the pot, the difference today, is i can see that stirring that pot and jumping into this fray, can only limit my future options and opportunities, instead of expanding them. as my decision-making process is becoming healthier, i CAN choose to be above the petty infighting that i have always loved. as i approach the end of my 13th year in recovery, i CAN see that there are changes being manifest within me, i CAN feel that what i want does not justify my using any means to get it. most of all, i CAN hear that stepping away from the service i was so intimately involved in, for so long, is a good thing, and the time has not arrived for me to jump back in. in fact what i am hearing and feeling is that there is peace staying out of the way and having a bit of FAITH, that this particular drama will be resolved in a manner that is best for the fellowship in general, and those who are directly affected in particular. of course, the one person who i have lost all respect for, who time and time again fails to live up to that specific expectation of mine, is the one person who is so totally clueless about what they are doing, that they would never ask me what i think.
so where do i go from here? well this morning, i am in a place that i can forgive that addict. they are lost in their own alternate reality, and as it is so far removed from the real world, i can walk away, and actually sympathize and yes even pity them, for they truly do not know what they are doing. what my workout will hopefully accomplish this brisk morning, is turn my pity into hope, and forgiveness. i have FAITH that as i walk the path of recovery today, that this resentment can and will be removed, if i choose to allow it to be, and i can enter a state of learning instead of a state of KNOWING, at least for long enough to move forward into my day.
so off to the races, figuratively and literally, and into the real world. where it is almost 50° and there is little wind. it is after all, a GREAT day to be on this side of the dirt and have the desire to be clean. i do believe i will run with that thought on my lips. :)!

∞ DT ∞