Blog entry for:

interact with people, the more times i need to be forgiving as well as forgiven. i am not some sort of saint, even though i often try to play one. expecting the rest of the world to be filled with saints is not only unrealistic, but certainly could be seen as a symptom of my ongoing insanity. as i did not get this done before i went off to my home group meeting, what was on my mind then, may not be what is on my mind now. looking at what i had chosen fro my seed, i still “feel” that is the direction i need to go. based on my interactions with others, since i left my humble abode this morning, i can see a whole lot of shaking around some pernicious themes in my life, the first is my abdication of my personal power.
as i have written about before i cling tightly to any power i think i may have. most of the resentments i from today are others taking those bits of personal power away from, because i allow it to happen. when it gets down to brass tacks as it were, i see that i shift the blame on to the, for using what i have chosen to give them, after all, who do they think they are, using what i give them? letting go of what they do, with what i give them, then becomes an exercise in letting go of all the self-deprecation that tumbles down the hill, when i finally realize that once again, i got burned.
i am not talking about being vulnerable or open,m when i speak of personal power, although being closed off, secretive and isolated seems to be in my DNA. no what i am talking about is when i make a decision to do something different based on mt expectations of what others may do or think. or worse yet, form an expectation or three, based on what i think i may do, in a given situation. all of a sudden i am sicker than most and traveling down the road of perdition of returning to that “angry young man” image that i still hold so f*cking dear. if i desire true change, and just for today i do, then i NEED to allow myself the freedom not care less about what others may for may not do, hold on to my personal power and be okay knowing that not everyone is always on their best behavior, either.

∞ DT ∞