Blog entry for:

and forgiveness.
so it is my party and i will cry if i want too!
yes, there is a bit of a celebration going on this week and because i left the arrangements to someone else, there may be a person or two in attendance that i have a resentment or two about. i always tell myself that i do not like them. after a bit of reflection that may be true. i also know this morning that while i may not be pissed off angry at them, i am certainly resentful and i need to move past all that sh!t. when i read the reading this morning, it was as if i was struck by a thunderbolt and in the aftermath of that very rude awakening, i have decided to do whatever it takes to move into a spirit of forgiveness, tolerance and yes even acceptance, and be okay being in the same room as this other person. life is far too short to deny myself the opportunity to be okay no matter who is around, and even if i do not see them as a beacon of shining hope, neither are they are spiritual fraud and humbug. okay the garbage has been taken out, where do i go from here?
looking at my life in the context of the past years in recovery, i can see that this pattern of behavior is a carry over from the days even before i first used. for some reason, when i am uncomfortable with someone, i look for concrete, visible evidence that they are full of nothing worthwhile. hence my feelings are validated and i can move into resentment mode.what this set of steps seems to be teaching me is that i could find flaws in Jesus Christ, and feel justified hating him. it is not those other people that are the problem, it is me, and this behavior has been part of keeping from being a part of many things across the course of my life. nevertheless, i can get better. i can learn to accept that some people will always rub me the wrong way and it is my job to be a better person than i was, and learn to accept them into my life, without any of the garbage i can so easily manufacture.
the time has come to move into my next task of the day. i am fairly certain, that just for today, i can be okay just being the best man i can be today. resentments, even tiny little nagging ones, are not part of the baggage i need to carry on my back today!

∞ DT ∞