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as i shared at the meeting last night it became obvious what it was about my drinking dream that was so disturbing to me. sure using dreams in and of themselves are disturbing enough. what really got me, is that drinking and being a drunk is not part of my image of who i am. i am an addict dammit all, not a drunk! more than a little bit silly, but the reality is that sometimes what i think i believe and how i think the world spins, is just that, a perception of my interpretation of an ideal that will never be reached. i did drink. i did get drunk. i have no fond memories or nostalgic recall about any of those times, as i almost always had to start applying other substances in combination to achieve the feeling i was striving for, and it almost never worked.
on that note, bringing back to the topic at hand, forgiveness. over the course of the past month i have been talking about those who done me wrong and trying to let go of the past and see them as my peers see them, changed and committed to the program. what they see as sincerity, i have seen as a front. where they see caring compassion and empathy, i see manipulation self-will and entitlement. my problem has been how can i be so far off the beaten track here, and it comes down to a matter of TRUST. i do not trust them and that colors what i see and hear coming from them. i have good cause as they have burned me, lied to me, manipulated me and back-stabbed others, in the past. the behaviors of the past, make me suspect the worse, and every little misstep adds evidence the airtight case i have built against them. so i am, stuck, or was stuck until i shat all over them and at the time felt justified doing so, after all…
the reading today suggests that instead of trying to disprove my case, that i just let go and forgive. when i think about it, i can certainly see that as the easier, softer way. i can tell them, privately i do not trust them, but when it comes to my actions, forgiving them is the quickest way to relief. that does not mean i will all of a sudden trust them more, but it does clear a path to allowing them to build trust with me again. it is easier softer way, as then i can stop looking for every flaw and start looking for the virtues in their behaviors and words. i may not jump right back into bed with, in fact chances are i will keep my distance for quite some time in the future, but every time i start the litany of their trespasses against me, i can think to myself so what, i forgive them for each one, real or imagined. for me, the way out of this heart of darkness is to allow the light of forgiveness to lead the way.
i am happy to report though, that i had no using dreams last night. i am sad that someone is not done yet, even though they purport to be and are living in the denial as they attempt to escape from an abusive, controlling relationship. that too i can forgive, their desire to hold on to something that is not, is much like the impressions and case i have been dealing with, over the course of the past few weeks. for me, all i need to do, is the next right thing which is provide HOPE to the hopeless and an example of how to live this program to those who are trying to figure this stuff out, which includes me learning how to forgive, just for today.

∞ DT ∞