Blog entry for:

to forgive is something i have had to learn in recovery. in active addiction i carried grudges forever. as i came to terms with what i uncovered in my FOURTH STEP, i found that in order to survive and be a part of the world, i would have to let go of what happened in the past and find the means to forgive. what i once believed was far beyond my capabilities, has been revealed in glorious living color. i am human after all and part of being human and finding my way to becoming whole is allowing myself the freedom to feel my anger, let it wash through me and letting it go. life on this side of my FIFTH STEP has been interesting and although i have not followed up on moving forward, that time is fast approaching, as i am getting less comfortable than i once was in this intermission.
as i go over my activities today, i am struck by how much i did not get done over the weekend and wondering how i can get my work don e as well as accomplish all that i want to do. the saving grace, as it were, is that my afternoon is jam packed and my morning is fairly open. after i get back from my work out, i may have a minute to figure out how to get my ass in gear. last night, i heard something not meant for my ears, and as it is not my stuff, i know that i have to lock in the vault, as it were. i want to comment and talk about it, but to do so would cause harm. i know that is a reaction to my frustration at work, seeking the means to find something to distract me, rather than muscling through what is on my plate. the three days away from the keyboard have provided me time to consider what i was seeing and how i need to address it. these “little” tasks that i have been given are part of what i do and getting them done, has to become my overarching goal for today. i am more skilled than i think i am, and not as skilled as i want to be, so it is up to me to find a place of comfort and complete what is on my plate.
before i close this down, one more note on forgiveness. i also am seeking the means to forgive myself for crafting a lie that defined me, most of my entire life. when my most vivid, earliest memory is the basis for my identity, i know something has to change. that change will only happen when i let go of what i believed and allow myself the freedom to look ahead from where i am standing. i have a job that is challenging. i am capable of running miles and climbing peaks. most of all, if i can forgive those who have trespassed against me, surely i can learn to forgive myself and stop being the resentful basket case that i once was, just for today.

∞ DT ∞