Blog entry for:

on my toes, and my not so spiritual reactions are the fodder for quite a blog, if i choose to go that way. i am of the type that takes the smallest little slight or affront to me, and builds a case for a huge resentment that requires a very HUGE remediation, in the here and now. before i got clean, i was an angry, dark and moody person and wearing all of those resentments was something i did with pride. it was part of my persona and that persona, protected me from the world around it and all of the people in it. not only did i walk around with a thunderstorm swirling above my head, the pile of resentments i created fueled my rage and woe to the one, who crossed over from double secret probation and into my little world. that was then and this is now, and although that “version” of me is not on display anymore, i am quite certain that i could resurrect that set of behaviors and attitudes and walk in that skin. nostalgia is great, and when i consider how i felt, back in those days, there is a certain maniacal glee as everyone was afraid of me and walked on eggshells when i was around, that is those who knew me, those who had yet to feel the “pleasure” of my wrath, so learned to do the same.
what about in the here and now and how i carry myself in the real world today. first and foremost, i do not consider every little discourtesy an occasion to get angry about. sure i would be lying if i said that i never gave the middle finger salute to the various self-entitled drivers that cross my path on a daily basis. i do not consider every little jibe and jab as cause to “raise the stakes,” so to speak and return the barbs with just a little more bile and venom. i can play the game, without taking on the mantle of “woe is me.” when someone does something that rises to real hurt or damage, i can pause, consider and react appropriately, which from time to time, just might be with anger. what i do not do, is carry that anger forward into my life, most of the time. that does not mean i play a doormat to abuse and if required to, i can stand up for myself and participate in whatever is going on. no what that means is that i allow myself to be angry, evaluate my options and act on them. sometimes it means walking away, because the other party is just a selfish, self-absorbed asshole and has no idea what a douche-bag they are being. sometimes it means responding and standing up for myself, but regardless of the real-time reaction or lack thereof, i have found that carrying around anger of any sort, almost always ends up being polished into a nice and shiny resentment, and that when i look at it, i can learn to let it go and forgive the offending party and take action to keep it from happening again.
i do not claim to exist of some higher plane or be any sort of spiritual guru. i am just another human being, that happens to be an addict. i CHOOSE however to aspire to being a bit better than yesterday and living a program of active recovery, makes that so. when i feel “uncomfortable” around someone who is part of my life, or frequents a place i like to go, i have to wonder if i am carrying the weight of an unforgivable trespass or sin against me or is it that they are the ONE asshole in my day. today i am far too powerless to give away the little bit of personal power i possess, so i will forgive the unforgivable and reclaim the power i give away, in carrying around resentments, anger and rage.

∞ DT ∞