Blog entry for:

to my expectations, the more uncomfortable i feel. ironically, i was just talking to a sponsee last night about this. his actual motive for cal,ling was to game the system, so he could something he believes he is entitled to, and i enabled him to do so. i did however have the opportunity to sneak in a bit of recovery and although he did realize it, this was the topic. i understand wanting more getting less and being angry as a result. that is chapter and verse from my own playbook, page two. i understand, when my expectations, get inflated to the point where i believe i am entitled to something. and i understand that when they reach that point, self-will takes over, and i do whatever i can to manipulative the outcome to what i consider a favorable ending. when i cannot make that happen, well, i guess there is no better way to put this, i get pissed-off angry, ready to kill the next living thing that crosses my path. and then pout, whine and wallow in a sea of indignant self-pity. the rest of the story? well it has not gone to the conclusion yet, BUT i am certain, that with enough of these disappointing events in a period of time, i would reach the conclusion that doing this recovery gig, heck even staying clean, is not paying off, so why bother.
the HOPE in all of this? well because i have been doing the recovery gig to the best of my ability, for a few days in a row, i see long before i reach the fatal conclusion of my tale of woe, that it is my expectations that need a readjustment, not the world around me. daily maintenance, just like lack of daily maintenance is evidenced by how i handle the curve balls life on its own terms throws me. when i feel myself expecting anything or <GULP> expecting anything, i know that i am headed down a dark and dreary path. i can and often do, stop those thoughts and get to reexamine what i think i should be getting versus what it is I AM getting. when i can do this, and it gets easier with practice, i find that what i am getting is THE CHANCE TO RECOVER TODAY, and that gift is precious and beyond anything that i could have hoped for, way back when. on that note, i believe i will say adios and hit the trail into this day on life's terms.

∞ DT ∞