โ when the world does not measure up to my expectations โ
Posted: Tue, Nov 24, 2009 09:01:08 AM
it is my expectations that need adjusting, not the world. yes you would be correct if you noticed i removed the ambiguity from the passage i lifted from the JFT for today. for me, a life of ambiguity provides that part of me that i call addiction,loopholes large enough to fly a 747 through. as i have found out through painful experience, there is very little i can do to adjust the world to meet my expectations, and without the mind-numbing effects of chemicals to color my perceptions, that stark reality would have long ago became enough of an excuse to use.
to be honest, i was pretty good in adjusting my local world to meet my expectations, while practicing active addiction. my frustrations came when i tried to extend my influence out beyond my immediate vicinity. with practice i honed into the exact distance my influence could be extended, and the exact rate of decline of my influence as that distance increased. my amazing addict mind, calculated the formula necessary for me to set my expectations, not too unlike astronomer calculating the affect of gravity of the motion of the heavenly bodies, an addict’s calculus, as it were.
in recovery, i soon discovered that although those calculations were valid, they no longer applied, as i soon grew back a conscience and influencing events and people to suit my will was no longer palatable experience. i also discovered that my influence did not go nearly as far as i thought, and although i looked like i was having an effect, it was actually part of the body of lies i told myself to maintain my wall of denial. much to my chagrin, coming out of the fog, produced a change in my world view, and was quite a blow to my system, man oh man, life without denial became tough.
today, i have much lower expectations of what my effect in the world may or may not be. i am learning to calculate the the things i can and cannot change, the rate of that change, and adjusting my expectations to fit the calculus of recovery. for me, life is much easier that way. if i do not have enough money to buy that bright shiny new thing that i just MUST have? then i start saving up to buy it, and i allow myself to be grateful that i have the means to do so. someone does not take my suggestion? then i move on with gratitude that i took someone else’s suggestion all those days, hours or minutes ago, and have a life to be grateful for today. if i allow myself, i could quite easily find enough reasons to wallow in self-pity, because quite truthfully, i can set my expectations far beyond anything that may be real. IF i want to live a life in recovery, and continue to have the desire to STAY clean no matter what, then all i need do is adjust my expectations to fit the reality of day to day living in the real world. without the fog of using, seeing that reality is easier than ever before.
so if i expect to be able to pork out over the next few days and not gain back the inches i have lost, i better hit the elliptical machine in the basement, after all, only i can make a difference when it comes to my level of fitness, physical, spiritual and emotional, so it is up tom me to do what i need to do to meet those expectations.
to be honest, i was pretty good in adjusting my local world to meet my expectations, while practicing active addiction. my frustrations came when i tried to extend my influence out beyond my immediate vicinity. with practice i honed into the exact distance my influence could be extended, and the exact rate of decline of my influence as that distance increased. my amazing addict mind, calculated the formula necessary for me to set my expectations, not too unlike astronomer calculating the affect of gravity of the motion of the heavenly bodies, an addict’s calculus, as it were.
in recovery, i soon discovered that although those calculations were valid, they no longer applied, as i soon grew back a conscience and influencing events and people to suit my will was no longer palatable experience. i also discovered that my influence did not go nearly as far as i thought, and although i looked like i was having an effect, it was actually part of the body of lies i told myself to maintain my wall of denial. much to my chagrin, coming out of the fog, produced a change in my world view, and was quite a blow to my system, man oh man, life without denial became tough.
today, i have much lower expectations of what my effect in the world may or may not be. i am learning to calculate the the things i can and cannot change, the rate of that change, and adjusting my expectations to fit the calculus of recovery. for me, life is much easier that way. if i do not have enough money to buy that bright shiny new thing that i just MUST have? then i start saving up to buy it, and i allow myself to be grateful that i have the means to do so. someone does not take my suggestion? then i move on with gratitude that i took someone else’s suggestion all those days, hours or minutes ago, and have a life to be grateful for today. if i allow myself, i could quite easily find enough reasons to wallow in self-pity, because quite truthfully, i can set my expectations far beyond anything that may be real. IF i want to live a life in recovery, and continue to have the desire to STAY clean no matter what, then all i need do is adjust my expectations to fit the reality of day to day living in the real world. without the fog of using, seeing that reality is easier than ever before.
so if i expect to be able to pork out over the next few days and not gain back the inches i have lost, i better hit the elliptical machine in the basement, after all, only i can make a difference when it comes to my level of fitness, physical, spiritual and emotional, so it is up tom me to do what i need to do to meet those expectations.
∞ DT ∞