Blog entry for:

the more i try to make my life conform to my expectations, the more uncomfortable i feel.
well i am up and at it a bit early this morning, and the reading suggests i need to be grateful for what i have, instead of looking at how my life does not match my expectations. that task is not too hard on days when i feel like everything is going my way, it is those days when i feel at odds to myself and the world around me, when i wallow in self-pity. and yes, even after some days clean, i can still fall into the trap of comparing my current situation to what i expect my situation to be. somewhere along the line, i got the notion that life was supposed to get better and better, the longer i recovered. the gifts i expect are serenity 24/7, the ability to tolerate everyone and every situation that occurs on a daily basis, the ability to patiently accept what ever comes during the course of my day and the ability to permanently switch off the voice in my head that tells me that i am a piece of sh!t. well guess what, none of that has happened, and there are times i get angry that those changes have not occurred in my life. the question that asks begging is not where those ideas came from, but are they really realistic? or more importantly are those changes being made incrementally as i progress through the process of recovery. understanding that they are there and acknowledging that i am subject to the whims of my unmet expectations is a whole lot more important than pondering where those expectations came from, as i think about it, i know. they arise from the part of me i call my addict. that part of me seeks evidence that i am not be rewarded for staying clean and working the steps. much as i hate to admit it, i am still reward and punishment driven.
the counter to that part of me is also suggested in the reading. instead of looking at how my life does not match my expectations, i need to look at how much i have progressed towards that ideal, yet unattainable state. am i more serene than when i first started up this path? that is a slam dunk of course i am, and the answer to all of the similar inquiries is the same. i am making progress towards that state, and even though i will not ever match those expectations, i can be grateful that i am moving in a positive direction. and after looking at these questions i find myself a whole lot more grateful this morning, even though it is true that i have work to do, miles to go before i sleep, as the saying goes. so off to the showers and into my day, after all i can be grateful that i have the means to support myself today.

∞ DT ∞