Blog entry for:

myself lacking and wallowing in self-pity. not an enviable state, for anyone, especially an addict such as myself. least i understand the difference between clean, recovery and relapse. as one of the all-time greats at finding loopholes, i never decided that i could use a substance occasionally, because i “never had a problem with it and it is socially acceptable” i understand that the program clearly states that alcohol is a drug and no matter how i want to slice or dice it, beer is an alcoholic beverage. in the world i live in, drinking a beer every now and again, constitutes a relapse, no questions asked. i have no confusion about that and never will. for this addict, my membership hinges on my desire to be clean, and even though that desire may not be all encompassing twenty-four seven, if i decide to use in any form and want to remain a member, i NEED to own that i sued and take the token of starting my clean time over again. it would be tough for me, as my pride and ego would get in the way, but a bit of humbling myself is much better than the consequence of “getting away with something,” and once again, living a lie.
i do not find myself lacking and i accept that i am right where i am supposed to be in my recovery process. or at least that is how i see the world today. i got my steps in, i watched the home team get smashed on the road with a friend, i got my laundry done and now that the day is winding down, i am ready to take a bit of a nap. yes, i suck at fantasy football this year, but i need not take that on to sucking at doing my life. with that in mind, time to wrap this up and move along.

∞ DT ∞