Blog entry for:

okay, just to be clear, i am not one of those who needs to string a bunch of descriptive terms to identify myself. i am not a **gratefully recovery addict.** i am however grateful for my recovery and i recognize it as an ongoing process. i know the distinction there is fine, and as much as i once loved to wallow in self-pity over how fVcking unique i was, when i finally begin to get a clue or two, i realized that qualifiers in my identification was something i did to set me apart. i wanted to stand out as something more, and that need to be someone, anyone but an addict, nearly was the end of my recovery journey. had i not been forced to sit in the rooms for the better part of three years, i am fairly certain that i would not have the life i have today. i am grateful for this life, even when it does not meet my expectations. which of course brings me to the point of the reading, at least my take-away.
yes i have expectations, and yes there are times when my life fails to measure up to those expectation and i have the desire to whine, complain and be miserable about it. that is how self-pity manifests in my life, and when i am miserable, i also have the desire to spread that around very thickly and with extreme prejudice. of course, the spiritual path is to write out a gratitude list, and that works. a better solution for me anyhow, is to look at my expectations in the cold, clean light of day and see them for what they are, fantasies and pipe dreams. no one ever promised me that if i kept coming back i would get a career that pays me well and allows me to do what i like. no one guaranteed that i would be able to buy a house, drive a late model car, or have any sort of future that looked like the mythical American Dream. i was never promised self-esteem, self-worth or an end to self-obsession, but what i was promised is that: if i kept coming back, and IF i lived the program, i could achieve freedom from active addiction. IF i allowed myself to change as a result of the steps, i could become,. healthier, happier and certainly more sane. what i never realized is that the expectations i carried into recovery, would need to be explored and dealt with, IF i wanted to stay in recovery. more than one addict has relapsed because this recovery gig was not working out the way they wanted it to work. in fact, i have a friend and peer in recovery, who is the epitome of unmet expectations. i am not sure what it is they think they are not getting, but i do know they continue to choose to use, to strip themselves of the feelings of one unmet expectation about their life, after another. i wonder what i have to offer, as i am more than certain, that what i have, at least the appearance of what i have, is something that keeps them away.
this i DO know: IF i keep doing what i have been doing, IF i pay attention to the world around me, IF i realize that my feelings need not rule me, and IF i keep[ coming back, my life will change, and chances are, i will be pleased with those changes. so today i am grateful for the opportunity to do just that, keep on coming back.

∞ DT ∞