Blog entry for:

self-pity can arise from living in my expectations, instead of, in the world as it actually is. the irony of this reading is that it it always falls so close to thanksgiving day. wah-wah-wah, is hardly a refrain when the season is all about gratitude, on so many levels. this also reminds me of another line found in the literature of the fellowship in which i recover, namely that expectations are premeditated resentments.
bur while all of that is quite academic, it does provide an entry point into my semi-random brain wave dump this morning. i understand the feeling of self-pity, not from some sort of clinical perspective, but from the perspective of having to live through it;. as i think back to my days of active addiction, i lived in a state of self-pity most of the time. feeling grateful for what i had, was hardly ever something that happened. of sure, there were times, like on my wedding day, when i almost got enough drugs, booze, attention, money and gifts. that was an exceptional day, and even then, i probably found something that was not to my liking, it was just my nature.
early recovery was hardly any different. where were all the things i was promised? yes that is right, the fellowship that propelled me into recovery, had twelve (count them) explicit promises, and i had expectations of getting my due the second i got clean. by the time i actually heard the message in the fellowship that became my home, i had built up a bit of a resentment, and it was starting to show. making the switch to a single promise, that had already been fulfilled, created my first sense of being grateful that i had a program of recovery. up until that time, recovery, for me, was something to be endured, and endure i did.
all of this is ancient history. this morning, what is my reward for staying clean and living a program of recovery? well the opportunity to make a conscious choice to live a program of recovery this morning. no longer is my life in recovery something that is foisted upon me by outside forces. the freedom from active addiction allows me to choose to live or not live clean. this creative freedom, is something that fills me with gratitude just thinking about it, and the reward is beyond my wildest dreams. so off to stop the aging process and make my deposit into the bank of physical fitness, for this is also a gift that i am grateful for, -- THE DESIRE TO DO MY BEST TO LIVE AS WELL AS I CAN, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞