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and that thought process stirs up feelings of self-pity, resentment, and anger. as i sit here this morning pondering the nature of life, the universe and everything, i can see two tracks to go down, based on the reading. since i am indecisive about which one i really feel passionate about. i do believe i will just free-form this and see where it goes and perhaps in the long run it will all sort of come together and make some sense.
so all of a sudden, i seem to have more power than i ever thought possible, for the second time in as many weeks or so, someone has called asking about my plans for the service position i may or may not be interested in. while there is a part of me that relishes having that sort of control over the lives of others, there is a part of me that is spooked by the whole notion. as i have had no major emotional or mental traumas in my life, so i do not suffer from multiple personality disorder, the only conclusion i can come to, is both of those views are inherent within me, and it is a function of my spiritual state which one of those parts takes precedence in the here and now. i can quite honestly tell you in active addiction it was the former that ruled the roost and in early recovery the latter was my default behavior. the problem of either of those mental and spiritual states is that they are not accurate reflections of what is really going on. of course there is power flow between people, especially those who are trying to live life as equals. when i respect someone, i can defer to their judgment and yes even accept direction from them. when is disrespect someone, the last thing i am ever going to see is anything positive in their lives and behaviors and as the person i am, i will do anything i can to diminish their power and influence over me, as well as over the world in my immediate vicinity. what i am seeing now, is that i am being treated with respect and i am not being put into a position of power, and as i am more used to demanding respect rather than earning it, it activates all sorts of little creepy-crawlies within me.
is this respect a reward for staying clean and doing my best to live a program of active recovery? well the argument here is one that gets tossed around in my amazing magnifying brain more often that i care to admit. exactly what do i expect from staying clean? the politically correct answer i so glibly come up with, is that the reward for doing this recovery gig today, is that i GET to choose again tomorrow, not to use no matter what. i do believe that, however there is a part of me that also wants more. more self-respect, more self-esteem, a newer, bigger car, more money in my bank account and more respect and admiration from those in my life. so of course, all of that is possible, but is any of that a reward for staying clean? that depends on my perspective. in my experience, the consequences of working a program is a better sense of who and what i am, and that ‘self stuff’ follows. the toys and the financial stuff? a very nice side effect for me, and one that i can get used to having. that familiarity breeds expectations for its continuance and those expectations breed discontent when that stuff doe snot happen, that discontent simmers within and the next thing i know i have waltzed out the door and am in the process of getting high. so returning to the here and now,, and reducing my expectations to the politically correct version, is LIVING THE PROGRAM! which is really all i want to do right here and right now to the best of my ability.
right here and right now, the front is starting to move in, so it is time for me and the dawg to take a brisk walk around the neighborhood, as that too is a reward for staying clean, the desire to be just that much more physically fit that i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞