Blog entry for:

just for today, frees me from self-pity. okay, this is not about being a martyr, or a victim. the example of what follows is something i signed-up for, and now regret.
two months ago a friend, who happened to be a using addict, called me and told me that they needed to get out of here. i told that person, at that time that i was willing to help, in that regard. over the past two months, without any rhyme or reason i get a call or text about NEEDING that ticket. try to make plans that will be the cheapest and present the fewest options and they balk, BUT when they get a wild hair up their ass, BOOM, then they NEED the ticket. even worse, they believe they have the right to demand that i drop everything and make time to come and “chat” about their so-called Plan B. when they are called on the shite, well wah-wah-wah, they do not appreciate being talked to in that manner and it must be me having a “bad day.” in their entitled, self-centered and selfish worldview, there is no room for me to be anything but say: “yes sir, how high sir and may i have another!”
all of this is my fault, because i did not take responsibility for the actions i took. i own that i did not set the boundaries, put an expiration date upon my offer or up until yesterday let them know my real feelings. well let me amend that last statement, i did not in no uncertain and unambiguous language know what i was feeling. it did not get any better when my feelings were less important than their's, and it just goes to show that some good deeds do not go unpunished.
today, as i try and repair the damage i have done to myself, and figure out a way of freeing myself from this self-created morass, i know none of what i NEED to do, will feel good, in the instant. and maybe like the dog sh!t i stepped in on Saturday while i cleaned up another mess of my own making this will come down to scraping, scrubbing and then putting away until it dries, however long that takes, before i can come back with some compassion, empathy and desire to be helpful once again.
guess what, recovery has not made me a saint, but it has reduced the number of times that i make myself a martyr. recovery has not inured me to the feelings of shame i get when i volunteer to be abused and taken advantage of, and that too is a good thing. as i seek a balance between real life and recovery. more and more i see that the life i have today, is BECAUSE of recovery and not despite it. more and more, when i see where i was, as so willingly demonstrated by my &##8220;friend” over the past few days, i am grateful that i am no longer there. i understand their need to manipulate me, to get what they desire, because it is something i know as well. more than likely round ninety-nine of this will recommence sometime today, and i am better armed to deal with what may or may not be coming down the pike. i know what it feels like to be all alone, and not have anyone in your corner, and today i know that i created that situation with no outside interference, due to my lack of respect.
can i continue to accept that i GET nothing but abuse and expectations from this relationship? yes.
will i continue to be an active part? maybe.
just for today, i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery the opportunity to show this addict, the next right thing to do, which right now, is to get rolling down the road.

∞ DT ∞