Blog entry for:

the irony here is that of course, today i have a job interview. i am told to put a good spin on all that i am, and all the skills i have, and yet to be myself. man, oh, man what a choice, even more ironic,. is that i am starting to grow into my skills at my current gig, and the prospect of leaving it, for another unknown position, that may or may not last, has quite a bit of FEAR being generated within me. yes, i know FEAR is a feeling and feelings are NOT defects of character. there was going to be a ‘but’ there, BUT i decided that statement needs no nullification. all in all, a good morning even though there is a whole lot of shaking going on.
the reading this morning and my quiet time afterwards, took me back to an event at the meeting last night. one of those attending decided to hold the meeting hostage as they decided to rain a bunch of crap down upon us. they even said, that they purposely waited to the end of the meeting, then went on and on about this and that, sharing some deep stuff, but negating it with disrespect to all in attendance and the fellowship in general. oh well. the reason that this came up for me, was it was my behavior that ended up on my TENTH STEP last night, and still was resonating this morning.
i listened to them share, intently for the most part, i decided that for me, it would be prudent, to get out my phone and play a game, before i got to a state where i would do or say something that would have really ended-up on my TENTH STEP, or perhaps even my looming NINTH STEP. becoming intolerant and judgmental, is just what i do, and what i really wanted to say is that the steps are not the steps, regardless of what fellowship you happen to be in, and that perhaps it is time to replace your sponsor, as self-sponsorship does not seem to be working for you. and maybe, just maybe,. a new set of steps, based on the fellowship you just chose to puke in, is in order. of course, all of that may have been appropriate and perhaps even been helpful, but i am certain that none of that would have come out as constructive suggestions and even typing it this morning i can feel the sh!tstorm it would have created.
dropping out of a meeting and feeling rage at someone who is doing the best they can, is not the sort of person i want to be. and yet, i take on the disrespect of others like some sort of cloak of superiority, even hearing myself think that if i went to their fellowship i would never…
humility, to me this morning, means owning my crap, stinky as it is and moving forward into the journey of becoming what i want to be and what the POWER that fuels my recovery has intended all along, yes that smacks of pre-destiny, and perhaps that is, BUT, the core of my FAITH is that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean and grow into the person i have started to get glimpses of in the mirror.
i do believe i will jump in the shower and get rolling on my day, what i will be at the interview this afternoon, is my self, honest, open and willing. when i sit down with my sponsee tonight, i will let him see me as i am and guide him through the beginnings of his SECOND STEP. and when i get home this evening, it is my HOPE that my TENTH STEP will be filled with acknowledgments of how i grew today and have very little bits about how i did not. none of that is unrealistic, but that journey starts with a shower and a shave, and then i will see where it goes.

∞ DT ∞