Blog entry for:

to be myself. i was going a different direction about an hour ago, but having a bit of time under my belt, things have changed a bit. the problem i was thinking about was two-fold: it consisted of the honesty part and being myself. this goes directly to what i am all about these days and yet plays into my desire to keep hidden, that which i find less than satisfactory from the world in general. being humble means that i might not want to shout about all that i find, but it also implies those parts of me, need to be expressed to my friends, peers and family. i do have a choice about how far i want to take those defects, but trying my damnedest to suppress, obfuscate or generally pretend they do not exist, is not the path to humility.
i have a friend and peer in the program, who often says that when i think i am being humble, i am not being humble at all. i understand the point of what they are saying, even though it feels a bit like the concept of false humility for me. i may not walk through each day, demonstrating what a shit i am, but i also do not walk on water and have beams of light radiating form my a$$, either. i am, after all, a spiritual being doing his best to pay attention to the world around me and act in a manner that the judge, jury and executioner in my head, finds mostly acceptable and certainly tolerable. that is the gift of recovery, the ability to be me and not have to be everything to everyone else. which is what this reading is trying to make me realize this morning. in fact, if i offended anyone with my little cynical tirade about the holiday season, i do apologize. that is truly me, a person who can be cynical and abrasive. sometimes, it is difficult for me to let go of the hypocrisy and irony i see in the world around me. most of the time, i can and do, keep those opinions and observations to myself, on Thursday however, they came spewing out in a reaction to some little piece of idiocy i read somewhere on the interwebs. over the past few days, i have had that same opinion reinforced as i watched the material madness of Black Friday, unfold. today, while still chortling about that whole little bit of insanity, mine and the popular culture that i am a part of, i still want to scream about what a mess i see, but i defer to my better judgement. as i have said in the past, it is what it is, and nothing more. i may not participate, and i did not, but that does not mean i need to be derisive of those who do. today, i am okay at seeing that i need not react, but can choose to observe in placid silence and be okay with doing just that.
on that note i think i will wrap this up and start heading over to my home group, for a bit of well needed recovery with my peers, it is after all, part of what i am about today.

∞ DT ∞