Blog entry for:

a year ago, i was just coming to the place of accepting that there was something seriously wrong with who i thought i was. yes, i saw that the world was not the black and white, left and right creation that i thought it was and that i had biases and prejudices that colored how i saw those with whom i interacted. what i did not see coming, in any sense of the word, was the fact that i had been living a lie for decades and that lie,had forced me to live a life undercover, never, ever revealing how “broken” i believed i was. the process of STEPS FOUR and FIVE last winter freed me from that burden and the changes in how i face the world are still in process today. one of those changes is that when i see one of my peers, dope-fiending their way to an outcome, i let them know that i see what they are doing and suggest that they find another means to achieve their ends. one that is based on spiritual principles and fits into the framework they need to be working within.
ah, enough about others and back to me.
this morning, as i sat, there was a whole lot of nothing and that is strange. sitting in that quite with a dearth of thoughts and feelings was quite a different experience for me, as there is usually some sort of trickle or even a flood of stuff coming up from the depths of who i am. reveling in that quiet is not something i get to do, very often and even if i could not force myself to sleep past 6 AM, i still GOT to get some things off my plate, very early today and can find a bit of gratitude in those outcomes. i also realize, that i need to go back over some of the material i have “powered” through the past few days and get those concepts under my belt. if i want to meet my goal of being conversant in that programming language, this is one of the concepts that i have to nail and not just be exposed to. as i watch ADHD football this morning i will take some notes, redo the practice coding and allow myself the freedom to admit that i do not quite get it, yet.
so in the spirit of “getting” an extra hour this morning, i think i will put this little ditty to bed and get my miles in. part of who i am, is creating an actual physical body image that matches the one i have always wanted. i do not want to be a bulked up with muscle, but i also no longer have the desire to wear a “spare tire” around my waist. as i look at the sags in the mirror, i see i may have to step into some new modes of exercise, as the fat dissolves and leaves bags in all the wrong places. that will be something i need to look at further down the road, just for today, i will get my cardio in, get my code boot-camp in, get some football watching in and yes, sit with a friend in a smoke-filled room and watch the home team do their best to eke out another win. it is a good day to take care of myself,

∞ DT ∞