Blog entry for:

of my true nature to shine through. i have often written about one of my major shortcoming that comes shining through, way more often than i desire, namely my NEED to look better than i really believe i am. honestly, IF i had the power to remove me it, and walk in true humility, it wold have been gone a long, long time ago. as it stands now, it is what it is and i have to allow the process to work. i have intimate knowledge of the character of low self-esteem, which drives this behavior and even after a bit of time clean, the story in my head is that i am not good enough, the way i am. i feed that beast every time i look at the cars, the bank balances, the clothes and the behaviors of my peers, acquaintances and friends and see myself as less than they are. the fact is, when i go there i ALWAYS lose and it comes down to a fantasy that started long before i ever used and became part of who i am across the course of my active addiction. it is only through the process of recovery, that i am becoming more confident and genuine in who i am. thinking about an image that fits this whole mode of though reminds me of a painting by Salvador Dali,

The Persistence of Memory. as time passes and my NEED to “better than” fades, i GET to be more comfortable with who i am.
moving on this morning, whining about what has and has not been removed does little to make me whole or allow the recovery process to shape me into the person i have always wanted to be. thinking about the past twenty-four, i am grateful to be where i am. i was speaking with one of my peers last night and as they spoke of their experience with the members of the fellowship, was was struck by their lack of identity, self-confidence and in ability to set boundaries. while all of that is certainly upsetting to them, i feel the echoes of that behavior within myself. for far too long, i have allowed others to dictate who i am and took on what they thought they saw, to become someone i am not. as i foster the process of recovery in my own life and compare who i once was, to who i am today, i see the exact same trait, namely allowing others to define who i think i am, whether or not i ask them for that sort of advice and feedback. when i allow others to define me, and i still do to this day, i am denying my ability to trust myself, and my intuition. i do not believe that i am forever doomed to walk around without having a bit of FAITH, that yes i am recovering and getting just a little bit better every day. the whole notion that i have to walk around forever, second-guessing my feelings, my intuition and my decisions, just because i am an addict, is abhorrent to me. at some point, when to i get the freedom to learn to trust myself and rely less on the opinions and judgements of those around me? this all comes down to being confident in myself and generally i am pretty good with walking through my day, without wreaking havoc. when i need to admit i was wrong or duplicitous, i have the means and most of the time, the desire to do so. as i build the confidence to show the world who i am, warts and all, i progress on the path to recovery. part of that progress is accepting that EGO is not the driving force in my life. everything i could attribute to an oversized ego may just be a NEED to control, direct and stand out. sometimes the pat answers are not the real ones and there is more going on than meets the eye. today i can be a member of the fellowship without denying who i am or letting others dictate how i see myself.

∞ DT ∞