Blog entry for:

pretense and live as honestly as i can. it is true and yes probably a bit on the cruel side, when i get a chuckle or two when one of my peers, try to explain how spiritual, honest or selfless they are. they go on and on, seemingly trying to convince a skeptical crowd of what should be evident in their actions, and all the time, sounding more and more desperate to impress. i want to scream out “STOP DIGGING,” and yet i know, just like me, they have to learn that saying does not equal becoming. i have a friend and peer and is often known to quip, that when he feels the need to share how <enter some spiritual principle here> he has become, it means that he is realizing how far from the truth that statement is. for me, that is not only true, but i have to take it up a notch and start to provide the preponderance of the evidence which demonstrates exactly how much this is true today. thew truth is, i am both very spiritual and an asshole and sometimes both within the same slice of a few seconds.
when i say i am no spiritual giant, it is NOT to diminish my standing in my own eyes, nor is it to excuse some sort of heinous bullsh!t i have or am just about to, engage in. i am just stating a fact. would i like to be seen as a shining beacon of hope, a spiritual giant among my peers, someone to trust, admire and emulate? of course i would, i am far to vain to say anything different. what i have come to realize that basking in all the glory of my character defects and shortcoming is just as disingenuous as denying them. it is living in a state of false humility equal to the false pride i once was so enamored with, back when i first started to see what me defects were and how they affected my life. it was all part of looking different than i am.
this last step cycle has honed in on the yin and yang of how i see myself and from that self-knowledge i am learning to be a whole person. after all, false pride and false humility are actually different names for the exact same behavior, even if they look different, they are me, putting up a front, to manipulate your opinion, because i do not esteem myself enough to just be who i am, and not care what you think.
what does this mean for me today? well that is hard to say, as i was incapable of being quiet for very long this morning and i have yet to “feel” the direction that i will be taking today. what i think it means, at least on a practical level, is to walk through today, without considering what others think, but taking a bit of care not to leave a trail of destruction in my wake. it is after all, a great day to walk through life on my own two legs and not trample anyone as i do.

∞ DT ∞